Note to self.

You are addicted to work.

You are obsessed with your purpose.

Commitment has never been your issue.

You need to work on switching off.

It's the end of day. 

Time to wind down

Rest.

Rest properly.

Let go of the unsolicited guilt

The brain can consume itself with something else.

You can prepare for tomorrow, tomorrow.

Thank you Headspace exercises!

Photo Credit: Unsplash.

Profess.

Profess!

Profess. 

Always profess.

Tell them in the moment. 

Tell everyone that you love , that you looove them.

They need to know 

You need to say it. 

It should never be a secret.

In this world where people die. 

In this world where tomorrow may be a complete and utter mystery.

Professing should never be saved for another time. 

Let them know!

Let them know now. 

Let them know always, for sure and for certain.

I am writing from a vulnerable place. 

I need to write this down. 

I know it will help me in the future and maybe...just maybe it will help somebody else. 

I have written about my anxiety before. 

Since then I have learnt about different types. 

After my father's passing I was forced to make a lot of big 'adult' decisions quickly and abruptly. 

As a result, I developed an intense fear of making the wrong choice. 

The fear has amplified over the years and now it almost crippling. 

I am in the process of finding my home in Italy for the next year or three. 

 This is all really overwhelmingly new for me. 

New language 

New formal and informal processes.

New culture.

The last  two weeks have been mentally tenacious

Lost appetite 

Sleepless nights.

The occasional nightmares.

Unable to follow simple conversations during the day.

Plagued by endless thoughts of the worst case scenario.

I am good at panicking 

I am good at imagining the worst

I can see red flags anywhere. 

As mentioned before on the blog,  I subscribed to headspace at the beginning of the year.

Somehow through this I remained committed and thankfully there were some snippets of clarity in my mind noise.

Headspace sessions are like little workouts for the mind no matter whether they are two minutes, ten minutes or twenty.

I had the opportunity to take a metaphorically step back and 

really look at the chaos eschewing inside. 

I started noticing triggers, fears, emotions, thoughts. 

Contracts are triggers for me. 

Emails and WhatsApp messages with demands are triggers for me

Flustered people are triggers.

Conversations about what could happen are triggers.

There is still a lot of work for me to do but I am grateful that I am willing to do it.

I  put on my big girl panties and started having some tough conversations and negotiations .

No one can swoop in and save me. 

I have to make decisions through the suffocating burning fear. 

There was an acceptance of all of this, inside of me this time. 

I called my bestie vented and cried. 

Then I got to it. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been internally drowning for years. 

Now  I have a floater and I am paddling towards safety.

I am saving myself. 

What about you? Care to share? How are you tackling your anxiety?

I, on the other hand, I am low energy.

I need to take leave but I have to wait until August. 

I moved into a new Airbnb this month , it has a lovely balcony and view of the mountains. I like to sit there in the mornings with my coffee or in the evenings with my dinner. 

The bathroom has a tub, so I have been enjoying Lush bubble bars and bath bombs. Most especially the milky bath, sleepy bubble bar, and deep sleep bath bomb. 

I am reeeeeally reeeeeady for my permanent home in Italy, I was disappointed last week when something didn't come through. I will keep praying and hoping about the process. the spirit of discernment is definitely needed. 

I reached 100 days of learning Italian on Duolingo! Clap for me....still can't utter a single sentence in public, not even a broken one and I always have to ask people to repeat what they said atleast 20 times but we will get there.

I had the best fried seafood at Eataly yesterday evening. Summer is here and the sun is still out and about after 9.00pm. Love it!

Work is a bit hectic right now probably contributing to my low energy, it will calm down soon though. 

I visited a church and it had the most amazing interior I have ever seen. I was tip toeing around taking my Instagram pictures with wide eyes and an open mouth. There were gold finishings everywhere! This was a small church though, so I don't know what I will do when I visit the Vatican. 

I am still glad I moved. Overall I am still enjoying this new life adventure!

What about you? Are you on one too? Tell me all about it in the comments. 

Malcom Gladwell said 10,000 hours.

I think I have clocked mine.

So....

I can now comfortable say that I am writer. 

A real one!

And a good one too. 

Talented.

My basic skills helped me begin my career in communications.

Luckily or intended by the Divine One, my then supervisor saw something in me that I didn't see.

I have not published a book yet, but throughout my career I have been honing and perfecting this skill for various online and traditional media platforms. 

There is also this blog, evidence of personal creative growth over the years. Right?

For the record I now know that I will write, create, produce and publish great work continuously and joyfully until I don't want too anymore.

Watch this space. 

Anywho....thank you for coming to my TED Talk! 😂 

What about you? 

What have you finally accepted to acknowledge about yourself? 

Get in that comment section and share 😀 

My mind and I have been getting to grips with each other ... 

Headspace made me realize that I was constantly rejecting all the internal chit-chatter,

 leaving chaos to inshrew.

I always tell people I don't like meditation or yoga.

"It  is much too much quiet for me!"

What I really mean  is "I don't like being left alone with my mind". 

I still don't....

but suddenly I am not happy with the fact that I have been 

comfortable with this statement for so long. 

 I have been using headspace for the last couple of weeks. 

I am a proud paid subscriber.😁 

This is the year of improving my mental health. 

365 days of commitment to internal self care. 

I thought it would teach me how to make the anxiety, sadness or even loneliness stop 

but instead it is teaching me how to sit and make peace with ALL of it. 

Sometimes my mind is loud, anxious, impulsive, paranoid, mean and downright ruthless, 

especially when I am feeling low.

 I am learning to sit with it and sometimes quietly and sincerely question the messiness. 

So far the longest session has been 51.26 minutes . 

Honestly it's a struggle most days.

Headspace says its okay to struggle,

and just be accepting of it all. 

Is it strange that I can visualize 

what the source of my rapid fire thoughts looks like?

I want my mind to be safe space,

just like my future home. 

I writing this so I don't forgot to have gratitude. 

Somethings have become so routine that we forget how wonderous they are. 

I had passport before I could read or even spell my name. 

I travelled on a plane before I could speak in sentences, use a spoon to eat or I could even go to the toilet alone. 

I think about this because I remember my father once told me that he used to attend primary school barefoot cause he did not own a pair of shoes.  My mum  was born at home, the only record of her birth is her baptism certificate. To forget how far my parents had to  have come to instill flying on a plane in their children as a normal and possible part of life from an early age would be very disrespectful.

As a child the excitement of being able to go to Jomo Kenyatta International Airport just to see the planes land and take off was quite an adventure.  At that time you could go to the top of the terminal building  and watch them even if you weren't travelling. There was a tiny shop that sold soft drinks and snacks and we had to pay an entrance fee. When members of the family were arriving during the day, my father liked to take us to witness it. Little Maria was always ecstatic seeing her Mum or brothers stepping off the plane. This was in the early 1990s; today understandably, there are so many security measures in place you can barely get into the building. 

Everyone would clap for the pilot when the plane landed; travelling was an event! Passengers would be dressed up in their best outfits, My mum in her bold pointy heels and me in my cute puffy dress. The air hostesses were admired for their uniforms and perfect make-up. They still look smart today, but back then I remember they had to be perfectly-put-together which couldn't have have been healthy I guess. 

When my elder brother was travelling to the United States to study, three BIG families packed into three not-so-big cars to go to the airport. Some of us sat in the boot of the car. More than twenty people seeing off one person at the airport. Those were the days...

As I said at the beginning of this post, I am writing this so that I don't forget what a privilege it is to fly. Even if it has become quite the routine now days.

I am grateful. 

           Do you have any special memories? Share them in comments, would love to hear them 

I moved to Zambia for career growth mostly, but really to gain a different perspective.

I needed some uncertainty to challenge and propel me to make positive life changes.  A very tame down version of Yes theory and the Seek Discomfort challenges but non the less a bold action for me to take in 2021. 

From the beginning of my stay in Zambia, there were great colleagues who created an expat community and welcomed me into it. There were many dinners, meet ups and BBQs (Something I hope to take with me to Italy). There were always laughs, information sharing and companionship; I never once felt lonely.  

However I went from "Yes, let's do this!"  to "What am I doing?" 

many times throughout the year.... 

• When I was in transit and got to Addis Ababa airport and my flight said Harare and not Lusaka
• When I realized I would have to pay double what I budgeted for in rent
• When I realized how expensive things were
• When I realized my workload made it difficult for  me to keep up with my  masters studies
• When the hot water pipe burst in the bathroom at 3.00am  and I thought a bomb had gone off
• When it took a while to find a good hair salon

 I had to adapt to a new office culture and learn how to work within my new  team. It was like finding my voice and purpose again.  I wrote about some bullying that took place mid year here.   Digging deep within to keep going during that time was needed,  luckily I had previous experiences and a supportive friend with a sincere listening ear.   

The things I will miss most

• My lovely home with big screen TVs, a washing machine and a teeny-tiny pool(for the super hot days!). Btw...my home was on the cheaper end in the  area I choose to live in. 
• My friendship circle and our gatherings. I went bowling for the first time in many many years. Special mention of Latitude, Cantina, Prime Joint, Arirang Korean Restaurant, JCS Food and Indian Fusion for all the lovely lunches and  dinners. 
• My 15 minute walk to work and to the supermarket.
• Mini local adventures with Kathrine, Suraj and Maya
• Ulendo Eats mostly 3 trees, Mint Active and Eataly   were my picks for takeaways. 
• Ulendo and Yango taxis.... there were no Boda Bodas carrying humans in Lusaka and I didn't want to buy a car so this app was very convenient. 
• Nandos! (Why did you leave East Africa? I miss you already.) 
• Weekend Food markets for all the ribs, lemonade, cup cakes, cookies and biryani that I enjoyed. 
• African Butterfly Trio Dip....so addictive!
• Our honorary YES Unit, my colleagues have a fantastic sense of humor.
• Getting my nails done ...I had some serious nail game in 2022!
• Sitting in an arm chair in my bedroom drinking  my first cup of coffee of the day and watching a #kdrama or #cdrama on a Saturday morning...