Friday, 1 March 2019

A Microscopic Ode To My Happily Flawed Blog......

It is just a teeny weeny weeny weeny part of the internet.
A promise made on an island to myself,
and now an anchor when I feel perturbed or misaligned.

I can always come back and wonder through this digital space.

In this current life,
I often silently fight with my millennial self,
just to fit in,
 just to get it right the first time round;
just to check all the correct boxes.

When I feel worsened by the battle,
 I  return to this cross road of a blog.
So that the writing and sharing can help me recall which direction I set my feet upon. 

I read only a few posts, cause it doesn't take long for comfort to find me.

A few deep breaths later,
I remember that these unnerving moments always come. 

That it is not unfamiliar.

I have already created a concrete formula and map to handle this.

To redirect even.

I always leave a spare key and clues here to help on the way out,
so I don't have to figure out all the answers to the present pressing mess at once

I don't have to fix it right now or sometimes even ever.

When I look back at the short amount of time this blog has been running,
forgive me but I am a teeny weeny weeny bit proud of myself!

(btw find me on twitter @mariajulietrose πŸ˜€)

Thursday, 28 February 2019

I Wished The Younger Me Had Prayed For Some Extra Things...

It's 8.00 pm in Kitgum District.

The hot spell has followed us from the capital to the town 

It's the type of devilish heat that suffocates,

The type that will sneak up on you if you don't pace yourself & stay hydrated,

The type that teaches you the art of patience & presence on an afternoon field mission,

The type that makes a cold shower after a long day in the dust and sun, a  glorious blessing.

The dog days of Uganda are here,

A whole month late by the way... 

I am sprawled across my hotel room bed,
And I can confirm the top covers will remain unused for the rest of the week.

My mosquito net is already in place, but I hear none circling the bed posts.

My fan is on full BLAST!
The warm air in here must not settle or become stagnant

I am scared  the fan will fly of the wall at any moment and sever my head,
 because of it's unstable buzzing spin.
I can't switch it off  because I need it.
But...  it sounds mad, real mad at the world.
Maybe the fluctuating electricity from the generator is overwhelming the poor thing.
But I can't turn it off.
The one window in my hotel room must remain shut.
My door must  stay locked. 
As a woman, I don't have the luxury of taking such chances.

Good news is, it's been raining since 4.00 pm.

We were all relieved to see the swollen grey clouds taking siege of the sky
 to announce the arrival of  the rain.
Yet the heat has  only slightly relented.

Yesterday my brother called, our Jajja is unwell.
 my siblings and I need to go see her as soon as possible.

I have just got off the phone with Dad, 
Anytime my father says he's unwell
I am triggered, especially when I am miles away. 

I still have work assignments to complete, but my mind needs to settle and focus.
I am waiting for the enchanting silence of the midnight hour. 
So I reshuffle the tasks of my evening routine

I kneel  to pray.
I google Psalm 51 on my phone,
 and the strangest thought occurs to me,

What if I could go back 10 years with all the knowledge I have now about  life....
Would my prayers have been any different?

I know immediately that they would be the same,
though with some new additions.

So many things swirl in my mind,
that I spend a full 30 minutes astray in the forest that is my thoughts
And then I recall what I knelt down to do,
I finish my task and get up off my knees.

Have you ever thought about it too?

Would your prayers have been different knowing what you know now?

(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose πŸ˜€)

Thursday, 3 January 2019

Hi 2019, So Happy to See You!

One of the perks about getting older is,
You are always so happy to discover yourself.

You eventually & begrudgingly accept that "fitting in" will never happen,
 and thankfully that provides space for more productive hours in your life.

All that time you would spend molding yourself to seamlessly camouflage among the crowds,
you now spend getting to know yourself and what you can do.

And so, in the spirit of adulting in 2019,
I have a confession to make about me, about myself.

*clears throat*.

*takes a deep breath*

I loooooaaaathe the month of December!

I hate it!

I know...I know... WTH?

First don't freak out...don't get upset.

Freedom of speech still sort of works,
I am allowed to express my STRONG repugnance of all things regarding the Xmas holidays.

Yes...these are  big words.
However, I am a grown woman,
who can use a dictionary, even if my grammar usage is questionable .
I  know the definitions of these words.
 I know they must be used after serious consideration and thought.

I am not stuttering.
Let me  assure you, these are not  type-Os.

Let me also be very clear once more...
I mislike the last month of the Julian/ Gregorian Calendar year.

My apologies to all  those Christmas enthusiasts,
yes you with the red hat,
 and matching red outfit busy humming 'We wish you a Merry Christmas....".
(I heard you secretly singing it in June...)
Feel free to carry on with your festive engagements.
Freedom of expression is also allowed.

For me however,
Those final 31 days of the earth circling the yellow dwarf star,
feel like trudging through swampy murky muddy aqua.

It's an internal aversion,
my body hates it;
 I try to be merry & chipper,
though I always fail ,
In 2018, we decorated a tree.
I bought two gargantuan chocolate Santas
We, my nephews, nieces and I, danced around the living room
to the song, Rocking Around the Christmas Tree;
but my body refused to oblige.
Instead, I fantasized about escaping to a fabulous tranquil beach somewhere,
when December rears it's nauseating cheery head again this year.
Can you book a holiday 355 days in advance?

I felt like I was literally carrying around sacks of coal the whole time,
and I didn't want to infect everyone's jubilant mood.
So I asked my body,

"Why.....what happened to us? "

But it won't divulge it's secret.

"We do not like or look forward to Christmas..that's all!" it replied,
 "Bah-humburg to the whole jolly season!"

Disney's Christmas Carol ( Credit:

For the record this is not about  Jesus.
This has nothing to do with Him.
I love Jesus.

I cherish all moments of prayer.
I go for mass on Sundays and any day of the week I can manage.
I love the nativity story. I make time to read it throughout the year.
I am not questioning my commitment as a christian.

I just seem to not like how we have decided to celebrate the end of the year.

So you know.
I feel really bad about my lack of Christmas spirit.
No quite sure if this is something that can be fixed or healed.
Not sure if I want to spend any time trying.

But I have discovered something else about myself...
Let me tell you all about how WE, my body and I, feel about the new year...

Like this...Like this ....exactly like this! (

On Monday (31 Dec 2018) I found myself wondering through the day,
 with unusual fizzy feelings in my stomach.
Just like how the light orange form bubbles in Fanta whizz up the glass as you pour,
 My tummy was having a house party which I wasn't informed about.
 Couldn't sit still.
Could not focus.

At 5.00 pm  when I got home,
from work and last-day-of-year-errands,
  I had to stop and self assess...
Was that REALLY excitement or the beginning of a nasty bacteria infection?

"For what?" I thought.

"The NEEEEEEEEEW Yeeeeeear!" My gut shouted back.

"Seriously?" my pessimistic self replied

"Yes, think of all the great things we shall do!" My gut replied

Then my stomach  twirled like Kenya Moore in Real Housewives of Atlanta


Credit: Bravo TV did this happen?

I don't know, but I have decided to ride this wave of enthusiasm for ALL its worth.

Me....this is Me right now...
I love the new year.

I am about the beginning, not the end.

We start all over again

We set goals.

We clean & clear things out.

We organize ourselves.

We unfollow, unfriend, block, delete.

 We continue with on-going projects with re-energized zeal and relish

We work, We learn, We grow, We love, We achieve throughout the year.

I am literally just bouncing around the world like a firework in a Katy Perry  music video right now!

Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the room, room, room
(I promise this lyric sounds better when you sing it.)

As you know life can sometimes have its own plans,
So leave me alone, let me be in this unexpected naive bliss of optimism
just some few days into the new year....

This post is my love letter to those of us who struggle through December.
It really isn't everyone's month.

Some of us are reminded of terrible losses.
We are altered and tarnished by the world.
December is for holding our breath, cause we are drowning.

The new year though...
The new year is for bursting through the surface of the icy water.

We have survived. 

Ready to begin a fresh!

With zeal.

With relish.

With gusto.

This blog post is for you.

Hang in there, you made it through. We did it!

Here's to 2019!

Cheers! 🍷🍸🍹🍺

                                           (Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose πŸ˜€)

Friday, 28 December 2018

Taking Stock: Thank you 2018!

Making: Focusing on growing & nurturing my current professional skills and personal creative passions into something tangible, is my biggest priority at present.
It's no secret I love to learn, I just don't like tests or exams!  
But there is an imbalance in other areas of my life and at some point in 2019 I need to address them with the same vigor and maturity I bring to my work/creative life. 
By the way...I am still painting, maybe I shall share my attempts on here soon.

Drinking: I am back on Kwenu's celery juice, and still drinking as much water 
as I can get into my busy schedule, most especially now that I have made physical exercise a regular activity. So much so, that I am now unable to sleep properly throughout the night if I miss my 30 minutes of aerobics/jump roping/light jogging in the evening.

Reading: Below is a screenshot of my completed Goodreads' 12 book challenge for 2018. I lost the gusto for reading in June I dragged myself through the last three books in August. There are at least 15 unread books scattered across my room, and three of them are poetry books. To my shock, I have discovered, sometimes a stanza of poetry lights a fire in me to write, hence my unlikely purchases...

Playing: Pentatonix's Christmas Carols on repeat!

Wishing: That's a secret between myself and God.  

Enjoying: Some few days off over the holidays. It's been an intense year. At one point I arrived back from a nine day training in South Africa on Tuesday and continued with my work week, then traveled to Karamoja the following week (I get anxious all over again, just thinking about it..)  However, there have been fewer episodes of burnout over the last 365 days because I really monitored my work hours. And as part of my self love journey, I claimed overtime when I worked on weekends. Right now I am chilling at home, in the big sitting room, with our lit Christmas tree writing this blog post, and it is making me very content. You know...I woke up at 12.00 pm today. I can't remember the last time time I did that...maybe in my teens? Or the days after I handed in my last assignment for my bachelors...who knows? 

Writing: I took some Skillshare courses on non-fiction writing this year. Wow, the muse has my pen and hand burning on paper .I just need to buckle down and complete each writing project properly.

Loving: My new clothes purchased during my extra time in Bangkok. I feel for once I bought clothes that represent my personality. I even bought some cool pin accessories.

Eating: Cafe Java's Apple Pie Blondie...cause it's the holidays and therefore...

Needing: Time in 2019, to rest and rejuvenate, but  with all the wonderful ideas & goals I would like to accomplish... when will I schedule in this precious time to fully recuperate?

Wearing: Still in love with lipsticks and eye make up. Added the Jaclyn Hill Morphe Palette to the collection, a MAC satin lipstick called Media that looks like nude colored butter on my lips, and lastly Sleek Makeup's I-Divine Vintage Romance Palette has fantastic purple shades for my black brown eyes.

Knowing: Some internal work needs to be done, 
but haven't yet figured out how things will be fixed... #adulting

Giggling Over: Evelyn From The Internets'  old 2015 and 2014 VEDA videos, sometimes I just need a good laugh and her storytelling and foolery always cheer me up!

In the comments below, your major taking stock moments of 2018 please...😊

(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose πŸ˜€)