Showing posts with label Personal Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal Letters. Show all posts
Dear Dad,
I wanted to write you a profound letter today.
One with wisdom and clarity, littered with epiphanies that I have gained from the years that you've been gone.
Instead I find myself quite conflicted while sipping my coffee mid morning on a Sunday.
I understand now.
I used to naively judge you.
Often I would ease drop in quiet dismay as you berated someone on the phone
But these days I also feel like SCREEEAAaming common sense into them is the only thing left to do.
I don't like making people feel uncomfortable.
I like to keep the peace as you know.
But I am tired.
And completely over it.
Who cares about their peace?
I am anxious, frustrated and ready to fight if I have too.
Help me. Please haunt them into rationality and good reasoning.
Visit them in their dreams if you must.
Scare the stupidity and stubbornness right out of them!
I will be cheering you on from here.
I will write again soon.
Your loving daughter.
Dear Dad, Dear Mum,
I hope this letter finds you wherever you dwell in heaven.
I miss you both and know that all is well.
I am writing to you from my new apartment in Turin, Italy.
And yes I plan on going to the Vatican to catch a glimpse of His Holiness at some point.
That is not the reason for this letter though...
I thought I would just check in after a long while.
For the last four days I have been reflecting.
Mid last week I was in denial about my distress
and a concerned individual said some soft kind words to me.
My body went rigid, and automatically tried to deflect.
I realized that I forgot what kindness looks like
I have been giving, taking-care-of, and protecting all my dear ones since you both left.
So much so that I don't know how to accept when someone wants to do the same for me.
So much so that people have gotten used to taking from me and I never ask anything from them, even if it is small.
So much so that when strangers or acquaintances are kind to me I get confused.
Accepting kindness has become so unfamiliar that I don't know what it looks like.
Do I even know if I have been practicing it in my life?
Am I being kind or people-pleasing?
Am I being kind or just scared they will leave?
Am I being kind, or just being taken advantage of?
Am I being kind or enabling?
I am still reflecting on this.
I feel as though God is asking me too.
Because somehow I forgot that prayers can be answered too.
Again?
Yes again.
I have homework to do.
That's all from me, for now.
Take care
Your loving daughter,
Maria
Dear Dad,
Remember that time just after Mum died when I wasn't sleeping.
I would stay up late into the night.
One night I was in the TV room watching Real Housewives of Atlanta.
When I am in distress I need to watch things that are far removed from my reality.
It was 2 am.
You came and sat with me
You asked me questions to get the gist of the story
Then we sat there till 6.00am
We did that everyday till I started sleeping through the night again.
It was never your type of show you just wanted to sit with me.
You didn't want me to be alone.
I am distressed today.
Paul heard me screaming on the phone in an argument.
He waited for the phone call to end, then he called me downstairs.
We are watching a #Kdrama together now.
Paul never watches #kdramas.
Yet here we are.
He doesn't want me to be alone with my thoughts.
There's a time John had to come get me from a clinic.
The nurse did not want to go home alone.
Lets not forget the time I had malaria and he stayed the night in hospital with me.
There are many things you did Dad
That moment is soooo small in comparison to the kind of father you were.
Though it is one of many moments that stands out to me.
It stands out because it speaks to the value that you taught us when we were kids.
We show up when see one of us is in need.
We sit through the mental fire with them
I had started writing some posts about what a sad and lonely place I was in today
Then this happened and I remembered that moment.
I am not alone and unloved, even if my mind sometimes likes to convince me that I am.
I have a support system.
Dear Dad,
It's Sunday afternoon, the grass has just been cut.
Thanks to Paul the compound is neat and tidy just the way you used to like it.
The mid morning sunlight is flirting with me through the kitchen windows of the house.
It is playing with the gentle breeze and leaves of the flower bush outside
making the faint shadows dance and leap across the chairs, table and walls.
A perfect time for me to reflect , type and share my thoughts and recent adventures with you.
Remember when I wrote to tell you I was changing.
Then, I thought it was limited to personal areas of my life,
However it has quietly and willfully seeped through into others.
At first I fought it.
I felt it was best.
But now every cell in my body wants the change too.
I can no longer to be meek and fit boxes that make people comfortable.
I have outgrown playing small and pleasant.
I have outgrown hiding the 'intimidating' parts of my personality.
I can't cower in the corner so as not to trigger someone's insecurities.
I can't be afraid.
I have outgrown the masks and the covers made to camouflage myself.
In 2018, I said I was done making vision boards for a while.
It is the end of 'a while'.
This is a woman who will manage successful campaigns and programs.
A woman who will create a viable, beloved and credible award winning blog/brand that people enjoy.
A woman who will build some houses and bequeath her children an estate.
A woman who gets married and becomes a mother of two (or four if you listen to bae)
A woman who will continue to travel the world and
visit historical sites she dreamed of as a child.
A woman who gets multiple masters and credentials that build on her passions
A woman who will paint and create art that sells.
A woman that continues to tell wonderful and impactful stories.
God always told me that at my core I am a storyteller
Do I want to write some books ?
Yes I suppose I do!
It is a given since my legacy will include a library.
I want to do this before I die Dad.
Before they dress my lifeless embalmed body in a colorful Gomesi.
Before my family members say their last goodbye,
lock it in a fancy coffin
lower it into the ground
and seal it with concrete.
Stay well, I'll be writing again soon.
My love always.
Dear Reader,
What have you outgrown in this season of your life ?
Did you embrace the change?
Did you make a vision board this year?
What areas did you focus on?
Share in the comments, would love to hear from you.
Dear Queen,
It's been a long while.
Not sure if this letter-writing-thing will become a regular activity again,
but I just wanted to say well done for unintendedly discovering yourself once more.
Isn't that the funniest thing about getting older?
You can still surprise yourself.
Who knew that a peaceful internal revolution and transformation could be triggered by
simply having control over one's own physical space?
You woke up early in the morning and started your weekend by cleaning.
No one forced you too.
You set your mind to it.
You were halfway through mopping the floor with a divinely Lavender scented soap,
when it dawned on you that you were having fun chugging back and forth across the slippery surface while loudly singing along to Tiwa Savage's and Davido's Park Well song.
What!?
Enjoying doing chores!? Your mother is laughing in heaven.
The awkward teenage who avoided such responsibilities...
Eh....times have really changed.
Intrinsic actions like organizing your desk, your cupboard, your bedside table give you joy.
Quiet joy.
Quiet joy effortlessly emanating from your heart.
It started slowly.
You sat down to go through your jewelry and accessory boxes
You put your earrings here.
You put your necklaces there.
And on and on till everything had it's place.
The old and discolored were finally thrown out.
A chore became a metaphor of what you were doing with your whole life.
Simple inconsequential activities help boost your self-confidence.
You got to decide, on your own, by yourself.
Imagine such facile daily actions helping get you back on track!?
Sooooo satisfying to the soul.
Your mind is clear like a polished quartz crystal.
Queen, feel some secret pride in yourself for flourishing at this adulting aspect,
because it is encouraging you to pause,
in a world that often doesn't like it when you hesitate.
Take this time to pause and reflect.
You are still attempting to tackle your habit of constantly sacrificing yourself.
So yes ....pause and reflect cause
you can't save everyone.
Still endeavoring to create physical and mental boundaries?
Yes....pause and reflect.
Let people handle their own disappointment.
They will be fine.
Wow....growing pains are a very real thing,
not so perfectly experienced like in the popular coming-of-age-movies .
Once again well done Queen!
Let's celebrate the wins while we can.
I am observing and appreciating this time in your life.
That's why I wrote today.
In the future I will come here and read this again,
So I that I can remember to cheer you on.
Until next time
All my love,
M
Dear Queen,
We start and end our days in shallow breathe angst.
We wake up to it.
We fall asleep covered in it.
It is the feeling that jerks us out of bed each morning.
It's the feeling that haunts our sleep at night.
We feel uncomfortably sandwiched between
hopelessness and powerlessness,
tossing and turning in bed until 3 am,
With all the dark imagery as it marathons around the corners of our mind.
The tenacious invisible grip with which we feel
we must hold on to these bulling thoughts,
and replay them in our minds
is exhausting.
Reminding us every moment,
"You will lose"
"You will lose everything."
"Everything will go."
Scared.
Trapped
Always, and every day.
We go to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee,
and find ourselves ten minutes later staring at the grey tiles on the wall.
Transfixed about a frightening situation that is only taking place in our head.
Queen, remember that day in the counselor's office,
about two years ago?
She said we have a melancholic personality type.
We went to see her looking for a cure.
We learnt that we are prone to anxiety.
"So this is a forever battle then?"
Bae and John say the thoughts are not real;
that it's a form of mental self-flagellation
"Is it?"
"But it is so strong for something so unreal."
I have said my prayers
I have spoken frankly and honestly to our heavenly helpers and the Creator
asking for divine intervention and protection.
Now we wait.
As always we wait and see what really happens
This post was written in honor of Mental Health Awareness week.
You can watch these videos to learn more
Dear Dad,
the Aries in me is on fire, and I cannot put it out.
Trying to maintain your legacy has triggered a new me.
I rage against all the bullies,
and any signs of manipulation makes me mentally wrangle.
Some people don't like it.
Sometimes I don't like it...
but I can't be the same.
Meek, quiet and shy can't work for me any more.
What would you suggest I do about it?
I knew this change was coming.
In order to take on these additional responsibilities I have to change.
A board member of a company.
A co- administrator of an estate.
I had no idea you would put such trust in me.
Mum almost did the same too.
What exactly did you both see in me?
I can't ask you about it now.
The time for that conversation is passed.
I must 'DO'.
I have to stand my ground.
I must lead
and make decisions
just like I saw you do soooo many times.
Both your legacies must live on.
Dear Mum,
I pick pretty pictures of flowers to post here.
I know how much you liked them.
Today finds me on the back verandah, enjoying your friend the sun.
I have not done this in years.
Just sat outside for hours.
It felt uncomfortable at first.
Like someone was trying to pick at a crusty old wound still healing on the inside.
Too much space makes me feel too vulnerable.
Dad used to complain that I never went outside in the garden.
He once remarked that I spent too much time inside the house,
locked away to myself and my thoughts.
This moment of quiet has been nice.
Very refreshing.
Listening to the neighborhood on a Tuesday mid morning is reassuring.
Birds I cannot recognize are chirping and squaking.
A light breeze is busy tickling the leaves on the many trees.
A baby is crying and being comforted somewhere.
The sun is shining with just the right amount of heat to warm the body and not burn it.
I needed this quiet.
I needed this calm.
I needed this anchor.
As a little girl, I remember sitting by you on the balcony,
as you took your afternoon siestas.
Is that what you would experience too?
You would neatly roll out your pink and purple mukeka on the warm light grey stone.
Using you arm as a pillow, and your Virgin Mary lesu as a blanket,
it never took you long to drift off.
I would sit there with you,
knowing not to disturb.
Just to be with you,
listening to the sounds of outside around me.
photo credit: Unsplash
Dearest Mum,
I am sitting here having my morning cup of coffee on the verandah.
The neighborhood cockerels are cock-ka-doodle-doing,
The day is beginning,
the sunlight is inviting,
and my self sabotaging mind is already at work.
I have been dating this man for a while now, and I really want your opinion.
I want to know some more about you and Dad.
I have some questions.
Am I subconsciously choosing the same ending?
Am I unknowingly taking the same steps you both made?
I am scared Mum.
I want to hear your calm reassuring voice again.
I want you to impart your wisdom as I carelessly listen.
I want us to laugh over my silly thoughts, 'modern' perspectives and shallow conclusions.
I want to take you out to my new fave restaurant and spoil you as you complain or rather 'comment' on how recklessly I spend my money.
I want you to nudge me into the right direction,
and ease my anxieties about my decisions on this journey
But I know if your busy -body -self was here,
you would scold me for wasting this precious gift of a morning just wanting and wishing.
I must get up off of Dad's rocking chair and go about my day.
I must fulfill my purpose like you raised me too.
...
Always missing, loving and praying for you,
Your only daughter.
Dear God,
Psalm 91.
Psalm 51.
Psalm 23.
Our Father.
Hail Mary.
Glory to God.
I forgot it all.
The hard work we did.
The years of learning and shedding.
I got numb.
I got scared.
I tensed up.
I forgot.
Lost in my head.
Crippled for weeks
Fighting off the burns of a silent searing fear,
also the doubt,
tons of piles of never-ending mental hallways of doubt.
Eating my breakfast Rolex,
in the field, in Moroto.
Enjoying the morning sun peering at me through the curtains.
Scrolling and scrolling through the J7,
Deciding what can free my memory.
I stubble across our routine
And remember,
our promise
our grind
the pledge.
I begin again...
Like nothing happened
Psalm 23.
Psalm 51.
Psalm 91.
Our Father.
Hail Mary.
Glory to God.
A bond tied long ago,
by a prayer warrior.
I begin again, and again.
And realize, just like John said,
You never left me.
Photo Credit : Unsplash
Dear 12 year old me, we’re currently living through a global pandemic!? - COVID-19
Tuesday, 7 April 2020
*Please note this post was written near the end of March*
Dear Maria
I am writing to you from the year 2020.
It is the month of March, Women’s Month. You are in an apartment, by
yourself, drinking your third cup of coffee watching a series called ‘The Morning
Show’. A global pandemic is taking place.
This afternoon the UK Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, confirmed he has
tested positive for the Corona Virus/ COVID-19. Soon his Health Secretary will
announce he is positive too, oh...and HRH. Prince Charles also has the virus. A
few weeks ago the Prime Minister of Canada went into self-isolation, with his wife who also tested positive. Even Tom Hanks has it! WHaaaaaT!? I know…this is
crazy! The people who we assumed would be protected by privilege, are not safe.
This virus is highly contagious, spreading from person to person, and coming for
anyone and everyone if the correct precautions are not taken.
"Wash your hands regularly with soap and water for 20 seconds "
"Don't touch your face"
"Practice social distancing"
"No private cars allowed on the road."
"No public transport for the next two weeks."
"All stores and malls closed, only supermarkets and markets can stay open to sell food."
" Stay home...stay safe."
So far there are 800,000 cases and over 42,000 deaths
registered globally. Allegedly the virus came from people eating a Pangolin (your clan totem) in a place called Wuhan in China. Possibly a bat infected a pangolin, then the pangolin infected a human, investigation are still taking place. I saw some news reports in December
2019 but didn’t think much of it till in February 2020 it reached Europe, and
then America. Then I watched a clip of Iran’s Deputy Health Minister announcing he was infected and thought, “Wait!!! now our Health Ministers are sick during a pandemic??”
I promise I am not making this up!?!
Remember how you once stumbled on Dad reading a book called The Hot Zone by Richard Preston about
the Ebola outbreak in East Africa? You casually asked him about it,
and being the passionate microbiologist he is, he began to explain to you the
science of outbreaks, and because it wasn’t your favorite subject (pop
culture) your mind switched off after his fifth sentence, but you expertly
carried on nodding in time to his speech and enunciation to appear interested.
You might want to ask him if you can read it now.
By the way you live in Uganda. Somewhere in Kampala. ‘Kla’
in text language for short. You are about to discover your love of Email and SMS
slang. (Spoiler Alert: three years from now you will get your first mobile
phone for your birthday, a Nokia 5110…Enjoy.)
Currently Uganda has 33 cases of COVID-19. Tests are still
being done. Given how quickly this virus spreads, the number is expected to
rise. So H.E, the President has closed the
airport and all schools for the next 30 days; public transport is banned till
14th April. We now pray from home, churches and mosques are off
limits too, unless you are getting married… but only five people including the
Priest can be part of what is now dubbed the ‘Scientific’ wedding. Rumors are
swirling on a social media platform called WhatsApp, that more drastic measures
will be announced after the President meets with his Cabinet today. This is all
in an attempt to get everyone to stay home and slow down the rate of
infections.
Once again… I promise I am not making this up!?
Don’t panic.
This will all work out eventually. Uganda has plenty of experience in outbreaks and because you are working for your dream
organization, you know for a fact we are ready for this fight. Our national
healthcare system could not handle hundreds of thousands of people infected
with this COVID-19. There is shaky video footage circulating (news travels
fast in 2020), of people on ventilators because they are
struggling to breath. Footage of first world country hospitals complaining about running out of medical supplies like oxygen and protective gear for
Doctors and Nurses, frightens me when I start to wonder how many working ventilators
we have in this country, and how many health workers can actually successfully
incubate a patient while under the pressure of life or death.
This country ‘lock
down’ is early, essential and timely. A good call by the President. There are some setbacks, and many are complaining, It was a tough call to make but as I said essential.
Between a rock and hard place as they say...
There’s my update from
here, in the future
Let’s move on to
lighter happier things, let’s talk about you…
The year is 1999. Everyone is anticipating what will happen
as the world enters the new Millennium, the year 2000 is approaching. (Spoiler
ALERT: Nothing…I repeat nothing really happens…just the clocks and calendars
will change, and the school term will start on time without any glitches. No
apocalypse ….I repeat no apocalypse will occur.)
You are finishing the safe bubble of primary school, heading
into secondary school. This is the year of Britney Spears – Hit Me Baby One More
Time, Christina Aguilera- Genie in a Bottle, Destiny’s Child – Bills, Bills,
Bills and Backstreet Boys – I Want You Back. Pop princesses and boy bands
are the thing, which makes me cringe now, but please go ahead, you must live
your life.
Give Mum and Dad a big long hug and tell them thank you for
ALL that they do. They are very protective of you and your siblings, but when
you start working and traveling on your own. You will understand and appreciate
why.
This gift you have of being unseen is a fantastic one. You
can move silently, with your quiet Aries-like determination achieving what you
want to in life, and not what everybody tells you, you should. It also means
you can observe and learn. Observe, carry out a little research, consult, learn,
then make moves. This is your method. Keep doing this.
It will see you win an election in university with only a
week to prepare your campaign.
It will see you start to work for your dream organization 4
years after graduating from University.
And at this very moment, in 2020, aside from the pandemic, it
means you are learning and have learnt from many masters, people who are
exceptional at what they do.
The point I am making is... you get to choose how this all goes,
and you get to do it all at your own pace. Don’t feel pressure to go with the
crowd. I know a strong part of adolescence is the desperate need to fit in so
seamlessly, but I want you to know you can be you and it will be okay.
So continue…continue on your own quiet path. There is
nothing about it that I would alter.
Enjoy it. You are going to be given so many opportunities
you never saw coming, because God and life have given you the chance to be you.
I know you will feel all the emotions. You will languish, be confused, grieve,
hide, and sometimes fight with yourself and for yourself. That is life though, and it makes me smile as I
drink my coffee all by myself in this apartment.
I smile at what is to come for you,
and how
you will learn who you are.
I am proud of you,
even before you have
started.
All the best my dear,
You will get there!
Lot’sa love (or ‘luv’ as you currently sign all your letters in 1999)
Maria
Some people will not understand until you crush them.
Some people will not behave until you crush them.
Some people don't understand any other language but being unmercifully crushed.
So that is what we will do Dad,
we will crush them.
They don't know that you taught us how to be cold.
Dear Dad,
I was waiting for it to happen.
When they took my keys and drove us home from the hospital,
When we had the meeting around the table with Uncle Kizza, Andrew and Uncle Tony
to discuss the funeral arrangements,
When we picked out the coffin at Uganda Funeral Home the next morning,
Or in the afternoon, after we took your dark navy suit to
A++ funeral mortuary at Mengo Hospital,
A++ funeral mortuary at Mengo Hospital,
I was waiting..
Amongst the blurriness of my tears, despite what everyone thought,
I was alert & waiting.
I was alert & waiting.
When we finally arrived in the village the evening before the burial,
When I sat by you in your open coffin at 9 pm in Jajja's sitting room,
Even, the next day, when everyone was gone
and John, Paul and I watched them smooth the concrete over your grave,
I stood by our Jajjas' and Sengas' resting place waiting,
I remember that conversation we had in the hospital.
The many conversations we had at home.
You were always a master at reading & handling human beings.
We knew that.
Your children always knew it.
We know how to live.
We have more than what Malcolm Gladwell calls 10,000 hours of practice.
How many hours is it... if you've been practicing since childhood?
How many hours is it... if you've been practicing since childhood?
Anyways.... Stay well Dad
More updates for when i next write again...
More updates for when i next write again...
photo credit: Unsplash
Dear Dad,
I was meant to write something profound,
but you know how these things go, words have failed me.
Please excuse all grammatical errors I know how much those things annoy you.
This is a blog so we don't take these things so seriously here. I write as I would speak it.
I just realized I never showed this space to you,
but I know that you knew that I was always writing.
This is not the usual way we communicate, me and you,
yet I feel like I must write this,
not so sure how to go about it though...
I never mastered the courage to write to Mum;
never knew how best to start.
Once she was gone I realized just how much I needed you both.
So now you have passed, I am prepared for the widening hole.
I didn't want you to go, but I have accepted because I want you to go peacefully.
Go peacefully with all our love, prayers and support.
Your loving daughter,
Maria.
photo credit: unsplash
Dear Dad,
I delayed waking up.
I delayed waking up.
Took me hours to get dressed,
You had left the house by the time I came down.
I got dressed in a fumble,
Trying to put all of my adult myself together.
In a midst of organizing my handbag,
I got dressed in a fumble,
Trying to put all of my adult myself together.
In a midst of organizing my handbag,
I accused the driver of stealing my smart phone,
a moment of blind stupid panic.
We turned the house upside down, me & my brother,
me & your son.
a moment of blind stupid panic.
We turned the house upside down, me & my brother,
me & your son.
I located it two minutes later,
carelessly placed under a pile of clean clothes
carelessly placed under a pile of clean clothes
that should have been hanged in the cupboard a week ago.
Yes... Yes
I know...
I should stop putting 'the damn thing' on silent.
Alright...since it is painfully obvious,
Let me be honest and just say,
I really don't want to go..
I really really really don't want to go...
I mean these are all signs,
My style of resistance has not changed since childhood
taking an unusual number of hours to put on a decent dress,
misplacing things,
Also I forget to mention
nearly throwing up my breakfast.
Like all those times when I didn't want to go to school.
I am an adult now
You cannot force me to go
But you're disappointed scrunched-up face from last night in the TV room
haunted me till the morning hours
You really want us to be there.
It is my duty as your daughter ,
So I will be there Dad.
Yes... Yes
I know...
I should stop putting 'the damn thing' on silent.
Alright...since it is painfully obvious,
Let me be honest and just say,
I really don't want to go..
I really really really don't want to go...
I mean these are all signs,
My style of resistance has not changed since childhood
taking an unusual number of hours to put on a decent dress,
misplacing things,
Also I forget to mention
nearly throwing up my breakfast.
Like all those times when I didn't want to go to school.
I am an adult now
You cannot force me to go
But you're disappointed scrunched-up face from last night in the TV room
haunted me till the morning hours
You really want us to be there.
It is my duty as your daughter ,
So I will be there Dad.
My feet are heavy.
But I drag them ,
Into the hired grey beige super-custom.
And we finally depart.
We drive,
But I drag them ,
Into the hired grey beige super-custom.
And we finally depart.
We drive,
past Kingdom Church,
past that place where the road collapsed from the rain some weeks ago,
past Forever Business Finance,
past Faith Drug Store,
past Agar Petrol Station,
past the make shift furniture shacks,
past the shells of future homes,
past the goat imprisoned by a rope attached to a mango tree,
past A Chicken Delight restaurant that also provide wedding cakes,
past Forever Business Finance,
past Faith Drug Store,
past Agar Petrol Station,
past the make shift furniture shacks,
past the shells of future homes,
past the goat imprisoned by a rope attached to a mango tree,
past A Chicken Delight restaurant that also provide wedding cakes,
Past the Equator sign.
White tents and loud speakers blasting the village choir hymns,
ensure us we have reached the right location.
There is mud is everywhere.
It is that time of year when the rain has no mercy.
We jump over giant tire skid marks in the road as we walk to the house.
I think mass is almost done.
It seems your whole neighborhood is here Dad.
Even the guys who sell those odd calender's with photos of the deceased are here.
You are seated near the alter,
In front of the main house
There are 10 priests settled around you.
You are an important guest.
For sure there is no way I will avoid kneeling while greeting today.
You smile when you see me
I see the surprise in your eyes
I think you had resigned yourself to the fact that my millennial self would let you down
yet I am here Dad.
Uncle brings me a white plastic chair
and we all sit beside you.
You now look a little taller now,
and Dad, you sing the hymns much brighter
Cause your children are by your side.
I see the coffin of your aunt
Your mother's best friend
I see women in bursutis all seated on the mukekas beside it
And every now and them one raises her hand,
to adjust the cloth that keeps sliding off the casket.
They too must do their duty as daughters and granddaughters.
How come you never brought us to see her while she was alive?
I never knew all this time she was here.
Final announcements are made
Mass is done.
The men of the family lift your Aunty,
and take her away,
down the foot path,
behind the house.
We do not follow.
Uncle says it's not a place we can manage.
Remember the rain has no mercy?
I know the reason for my internal tantrum Dad.
I am not ready.
I want you to be my parent forever Dad
And me forever the child.
We are adults now I know.
We are busying building our lives
But you are the only anchor left.
So I am not ready.
I wasn't ready for Mum to go.
Wasn't prepared for the last five years of her absence
Don't you see how long it's taken me to find my focus, my purpose & my direction?
Truthfully,
I don't know if I'll ever be ready Dad.
Deep Breath.
I tell myself
Stare away.
I tell myself
Blink the tears back.
I tell myself.
Quick! Quick!
I tell myself.
Blink those tears back,
into the corners of the eyes from which they came.
I tell myself
Deep deep breath.
Don't speak.
Your voice will betray you
Breath.
Just Breath.
I tell myself.
I am keeping myself together Dad
I know my duty as your daughter
We know our duties as your children
We will be here Dad.
(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose )
White tents and loud speakers blasting the village choir hymns,
ensure us we have reached the right location.
There is mud is everywhere.
It is that time of year when the rain has no mercy.
We jump over giant tire skid marks in the road as we walk to the house.
I think mass is almost done.
It seems your whole neighborhood is here Dad.
Even the guys who sell those odd calender's with photos of the deceased are here.
You are seated near the alter,
In front of the main house
There are 10 priests settled around you.
You are an important guest.
For sure there is no way I will avoid kneeling while greeting today.
You smile when you see me
I see the surprise in your eyes
I think you had resigned yourself to the fact that my millennial self would let you down
yet I am here Dad.
Uncle brings me a white plastic chair
and we all sit beside you.
You now look a little taller now,
and Dad, you sing the hymns much brighter
Cause your children are by your side.
I see the coffin of your aunt
Your mother's best friend
I see women in bursutis all seated on the mukekas beside it
And every now and them one raises her hand,
to adjust the cloth that keeps sliding off the casket.
They too must do their duty as daughters and granddaughters.
How come you never brought us to see her while she was alive?
I never knew all this time she was here.
Final announcements are made
Mass is done.
The men of the family lift your Aunty,
and take her away,
down the foot path,
behind the house.
We do not follow.
Uncle says it's not a place we can manage.
Remember the rain has no mercy?
I know the reason for my internal tantrum Dad.
I am not ready.
I want you to be my parent forever Dad
And me forever the child.
We are adults now I know.
We are busying building our lives
But you are the only anchor left.
So I am not ready.
I wasn't ready for Mum to go.
Wasn't prepared for the last five years of her absence
Don't you see how long it's taken me to find my focus, my purpose & my direction?
Truthfully,
I don't know if I'll ever be ready Dad.
Deep Breath.
I tell myself
Stare away.
I tell myself
Blink the tears back.
I tell myself.
Quick! Quick!
I tell myself.
Blink those tears back,
into the corners of the eyes from which they came.
I tell myself
Deep deep breath.
Don't speak.
Your voice will betray you
Breath.
Just Breath.
I tell myself.
I am keeping myself together Dad
I know my duty as your daughter
We know our duties as your children
We will be here Dad.
(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose )
Kindly allow me carry out my friendship duties, and dispense the little bit of wisdom I have about this junction in your life.
Take my advice in good faith though, I am speaking with good intentions but you must remember it's still based on my perspective, and you need to take into account your own opinion and many others too.
May I suggest we start with the Bible?
I am not a Pastor...so you'll just have to flip through the old testament until you stumble on
ECCLESIASTICS
I used to avoid this book of bible, the only part I was comfortable reading was "A Time for Everything" and that was because of the movie 'A Walk To Remember'. Back then, I was a Mandy Moore Fan(.... I still am).
Before we proceed, first be warned, you will need to learn to continually cheer yourself in this phase of life. It is a tough internal battle and requires mental strength. Your ideas of the world will change, your goals will too. To survive, you will have to spend time assessing, re-adjusting and forging new plans.
"I accomplished great things, I built myself houses and planted vineyards, with all kinds of fruit trees in them. I dug ponds to irrigate them. I bought many slaves, and there were slaves born in my household. I owned more livestock than anyone else who had ever lived. I also piled up sliver and gold from royal treasuries of the lands I ruled. Men and women sang to entertain me..." ( Ecclesiastes 2 : 4 -9)
" Then I thought about all that I had done and how hard I had worked doing it, and realized that it didn't mean a thing. It was all like chasing the wind- of no use at all."(Ecclesiastes 2: 11)
" We leave this world just as we entered it- with nothing,. In spite of all our hard work there is nothing we can take with us." (Ecclesiastes 5: 15-20)
"The same fate awaits human beings and animals alike. One dies just like the other"
So if life is useless...than what now?
Are you still waiting for answers...
You most likely will not find them here.
But while you are here, here is the wisdom I offered at the beginning of this post ...
Speak to yourself nicely...what is the point in being harsh? The reality of your discovery will not change.... so no point making yourself feel uncomfortable. I urge you to take care of yourself the best you can, because even though Ecclesiastics was sought of right, ironically his writing lived on to the present day and his despair/mid life crisis is still educating us.
Accept that there are some questions you may never have answers too. For the questions that do have answers you may not like them...so just learn to accept. Once you accept, you can clearly figure out what's next.
Pray for wisdom, you need to navigate this world somehow...
The minute I thank the universe for something , more of it appears...why? maybe magic?
Go on try it, and get back to me with your results.
You need to laugh and in this place we call home, what else can you do but laugh at the mystery of it?
"Useless Useless, said the philosopher. It is all useless."
Dear K.
I came home to find these 3D cinema glasses on my desk,
still after all these years they still grab my attention.
Do you remember the movie you took me to see?
Yours Sincerely M.
---------------
Dear K.
You were miserable in the cinema that day.
But I held my tongue.
I didn't know how to help you.
How can you assist someone so busy shutting everyone out?
They told me, "You shouldn't speak to your man
the same way you would your best friend."
"Men like to figure their s*&% out alone."
I let you pretend that you were fine.
I stayed quiet.
Even as you walked right out of my life.
Yours Sincerely M.
---------------
Dear K.
I have decided not to be silent anymore
I know they all told me to keep my mouth shut in good faith.
They said that everything happened for the best.
But it hasn't worked B,
cause I still think about you.
Yours Sincerely M.
-------------
Dear K.
If there is one thing I hate about myself...
It's that I am loyal.
Loyal to those I care about;
Even to friends & family who wouldn't think to do the same for me.
Yours Sincerely M.
-------------
Dear K.
I am putting up my white flag.
I need to be my warm bubbly self again.
You were always so good at the 'silence' game.
I can't pretend to be cold anymore.
I can't pretend to be unwelcoming anymore.
My heart will always be happy to see you.
Yours Sincerely M.
--------------
Dear K.
I am calling you back to me,
because I know this is exactly where you are
meant to be.
Yours always M.
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