Kindness

 

Dear Dad, Dear Mum,

I hope this letter finds you wherever you dwell in heaven.

I miss you both and know that all is well.

I am writing to you from my new apartment in Turin, Italy. 

And yes I plan on going to the Vatican to catch a glimpse of  His Holiness at some point.

That is not the reason for this letter though...

I thought I would just check in after a long while. 

For the last four days I have been reflecting. 

Mid last week I was in denial about my distress

 and a concerned individual said some soft kind words to me.

My body went rigid, and automatically tried to deflect. 

I realized that I forgot what kindness looks like 

I have been giving, taking-care-of, and protecting all my dear ones since you both left. 

So much so that I don't know how to accept when someone wants to do the same for me. 

So much so that people have gotten used to taking from me and I never ask anything from them, even if it is small. 

So much so that when strangers or acquaintances are kind to me I get confused. 

Accepting kindness has become so unfamiliar that I don't know what it looks like.

 Do I even know if I have been practicing it in my life?

Am I being kind or people-pleasing?

Am I being kind or just scared they will leave?

Am I being kind, or just being taken advantage of?

Am I being kind or enabling?

I am still reflecting on this. 

I feel as though God is asking me too. 

Because somehow I forgot that prayers can be answered too. 

Again?

Yes again. 

I have  homework to do. 

That's all from me, for now. 

Take care

Your loving daughter, 

Maria