This was the year when my self-confidence began to grow. A good foundation was formed.

The previous year, I had already gone on an island writing retreat. I enjoyed it so much I joined for a second time.

After that, I began looking forward to more local travel adventures, both for work and on my own. I got used to doing things by myself and meeting new people.

I had just started this blog and began attending more writing events, connecting with fellow enthusiasts and African authors. As I entered my thirties, I reached out to a group of inspiring women to contribute to this series about being a woman.

I enjoyed my job, assignments and deliverables and began a contract as a full staff member. I felt like a real grown up 😀.

I was becoming more creative, developing new core professional skills and with encouragement started speaking up more in work meetings. 'Taking up space ' and finding a 'seat at the table' is what they called it then. This was also when my workaholic tendencies began, as I could focus on delivering rather than office politics. I was always available. My manager and team supported and nurtured me, and I loved every minute of it!

I started wearing lipstick and took more pride in my appearance. Despite my protests, my sister-in-law convinced me that I could look good with different shades. She was right. I began to enjoy getting ready in the mornings.

2016 was a good year, even though the ever-present worry and doubt still nagged at me, just as it does today. I kept moving forward, believing in the opportunities the future would bring!

It’s my birthday month, which means it’s a time for reflection for me. I’ve decided to take a look at some famous quotes and share my opinions on them. Just remember, these are only my thoughts though...ready? Let's go...

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” — John Wooden 

This is always a delicate balance in your professional life more than personal. Building character is extremely important for your mental health. However, be prepared for some people with weak characters who may try to undermine you. Some will do it subtly, while others will be outright aggressive. Be aware of this.

“Once in a while, I catch myself wondering whether I would have found the courage to write if I had not started when I was too young to know what was good for me.” — Ama Ata Aidoo 

When you are young, everything feels possible. Fairy tales can happen—becoming a princess or a  global ballerina superstar can happen tomorrow. The innocence of childhood allows you to pursue dreams that adulthood might stifle. You need that head start before your self- doubt muscles develop.  

“If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” — J.K. Rowling, *Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire*

One of the things I loved about Harry Potter is good prevailed over evil. Simple good not exceptional good, just simple good. Harry Potter is made special by the actions of his mother. Her love and sacrifice for him.  He who must not be named with all his power and skill could not overcome this.  Deep down I would like to continue to believe that this is true in reality. Good prevails over evil.

"Together, we must say no to hatred, no to revenge, and no to violence, particularly that violence which is perpetrated in the name of a religion or of God himself. God is peace, God is salaam." — Pope Francis

This statement is all the more important because in this world there are people who revel in hatred and violence, even though they call themselves Christians. History shows us repeatedly that simply reading the bible, singing hymns, praying and going to church does not make someone a good person. We all have work to do in my opinion.

“When it comes to doing my job, I keep my ego in my handbag.” — Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala 

I resonate with this quote deeply. I enjoy what I do. I find purpose in my work, which makes me happy to be there, so I don’t need my ego. However, some people may need their ego; it's part of their job description.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." — Robert Frost 

This hits hard, especially when you’ve experienced grief. You may wish for the world to stop, but it keeps moving forward.

"My sisters, my daughters, my friends; find your voice." — President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf 

In a world where male colleagues sometimes mansplain, talk over you, or question your experience, it's essential to find your voice and strategically (not stupidly) use it.

"You will face many defeats in life, but never let yourself be defeated." — Maya Angelou 

I’m sorry, Ms. Angelou, but sometimes I do feel defeated. While I will get up to face life again, there are moments when I just need to lay down, cry and come up with a plan.

“To have courage for whatever comes in life — everything lies in that.” — Saint Teresa of Ávila 

So true. In this life, courage is always needed. whether its to face betrayal from a loved one or going to the dentist, you will need courage ..

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul — and sings the tunes without the words — and never stops at all.” — Emily Dickinson 

Sometimes it’s a whisper, sometimes it’s loud. At times, I get frustrated with its persistence, but where would we be without hope?

“I have chosen to no longer be apologetic for my femaleness and my femininity. And I want to be respected in all of my femaleness because I deserve to be.” — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 

Growing into who you are as a woman is vital to play all the roles you have in life. You need to know who you are to understand what you  can and cannot do. You need to comfortably grow into this. 

“A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water.” — Eleanor Roosevelt 

I wish there were another way, but it’s true. For many of us, we are shaped by the women who raised us, and to honor them, we continue to carry their legacy forward.

Now, over to you: Which quote do you agree or disagree with? Do you have one of your own? Share below!

I am writing from a vulnerable place. 

I need to write this down. 

I know it will help me in the future and maybe...just maybe it will help somebody else. 

I have written about my anxiety before. 

Since then I have learnt about different types. 

After my father's passing I was forced to make a lot of big 'adult' decisions quickly and abruptly. 

As a result, I developed an intense fear of making the wrong choice. 

The fear has amplified over the years and now it almost crippling. 

I am in the process of finding my home in Italy for the next year or three. 

 This is all really overwhelmingly new for me. 

New language 

New formal and informal processes.

New culture.

The last  two weeks have been mentally tenacious

Lost appetite 

Sleepless nights.

The occasional nightmares.

Unable to follow simple conversations during the day.

Plagued by endless thoughts of the worst case scenario.

I am good at panicking 

I am good at imagining the worst

I can see red flags anywhere. 

As mentioned before on the blog,  I subscribed to headspace at the beginning of the year.

Somehow through this I remained committed and thankfully there were some snippets of clarity in my mind noise.

Headspace sessions are like little workouts for the mind no matter whether they are two minutes, ten minutes or twenty.

I had the opportunity to take a metaphorically step back and 

really look at the chaos eschewing inside. 

I started noticing triggers, fears, emotions, thoughts. 

Contracts are triggers for me. 

Emails and WhatsApp messages with demands are triggers for me

Flustered people are triggers.

Conversations about what could happen are triggers.

There is still a lot of work for me to do but I am grateful that I am willing to do it.

I  put on my big girl panties and started having some tough conversations and negotiations .

No one can swoop in and save me. 

I have to make decisions through the suffocating burning fear. 

There was an acceptance of all of this, inside of me this time. 

I called my bestie vented and cried. 

Then I got to it. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been internally drowning for years. 

Now  I have a floater and I am paddling towards safety.

I am saving myself. 

What about you? Care to share? How are you tackling your anxiety?

Malcom Gladwell said 10,000 hours.

I think I have clocked mine.

So....

I can now comfortable say that I am writer. 

A real one!

And a good one too. 

Talented.

My basic skills helped me begin my career in communications.

Luckily or intended by the Divine One, my then supervisor saw something in me that I didn't see.

I have not published a book yet, but throughout my career I have been honing and perfecting this skill for various online and traditional media platforms. 

There is also this blog, evidence of personal creative growth over the years. Right?

For the record I now know that I will write, create, produce and publish great work continuously and joyfully until I don't want too anymore.

Watch this space. 

Anywho....thank you for coming to my TED Talk! 😂 

What about you? 

What have you finally accepted to acknowledge about yourself? 

Get in that comment section and share 😀 

I moved to Zambia for career growth mostly, but really to gain a different perspective.

I needed some uncertainty to challenge and propel me to make positive life changes.  A very tame down version of Yes theory and the Seek Discomfort challenges but non the less a bold action for me to take in 2021. 

From the beginning of my stay in Zambia, there were great colleagues who created an expat community and welcomed me into it. There were many dinners, meet ups and BBQs (Something I hope to take with me to Italy). There were always laughs, information sharing and companionship; I never once felt lonely.  

However I went from "Yes, let's do this!"  to "What am I doing?" 

many times throughout the year.... 

• When I was in transit and got to Addis Ababa airport and my flight said Harare and not Lusaka
• When I realized I would have to pay double what I budgeted for in rent
• When I realized how expensive things were
• When I realized my workload made it difficult for  me to keep up with my  masters studies
• When the hot water pipe burst in the bathroom at 3.00am  and I thought a bomb had gone off
• When it took a while to find a good hair salon

 I had to adapt to a new office culture and learn how to work within my new  team. It was like finding my voice and purpose again.  I wrote about some bullying that took place mid year here.   Digging deep within to keep going during that time was needed,  luckily I had previous experiences and a supportive friend with a sincere listening ear.   

The things I will miss most

• My lovely home with big screen TVs, a washing machine and a teeny-tiny pool(for the super hot days!). Btw...my home was on the cheaper end in the  area I choose to live in. 
• My friendship circle and our gatherings. I went bowling for the first time in many many years. Special mention of Latitude, Cantina, Prime Joint, Arirang Korean Restaurant, JCS Food and Indian Fusion for all the lovely lunches and  dinners. 
• My 15 minute walk to work and to the supermarket.
• Mini local adventures with Kathrine, Suraj and Maya
• Ulendo Eats mostly 3 trees, Mint Active and Eataly   were my picks for takeaways. 
• Ulendo and Yango taxis.... there were no Boda Bodas carrying humans in Lusaka and I didn't want to buy a car so this app was very convenient. 
• Nandos! (Why did you leave East Africa? I miss you already.) 
• Weekend Food markets for all the ribs, lemonade, cup cakes, cookies and biryani that I enjoyed. 
• African Butterfly Trio Dip....so addictive!
• Our honorary YES Unit, my colleagues have a fantastic sense of humor.
• Getting my nails done ...I had some serious nail game in 2022!
• Sitting in an arm chair in my bedroom drinking  my first cup of coffee of the day and watching a #kdrama or #cdrama on a Saturday morning...

It is the month of love. 

I hardly ever write on theme but for once I am on time and intend to contribute to this conversation.

My word for 2022 was 'heartbreak'. 

Both old and new; the wounds were seeping.

Unfortunately, in this world of innovations and AI,

 I couldn't make my way to the nearest  pharmacy and buy a self-medicated pill to fix it.

Why isn't there an antibiotic to clear emotional trauma yet?

Reluctantly accepting being disappointed by Number One, 

and the other significant two that followed was the only way to go. 

I had often pondered whether I was too impatient, but Number One returned to my life and in his alcoholic-abusive-confused-state confirmed very clearly that he was the problem not me.

My fault was that I allowed it until my big brother Paul said "WTF?...No!"

He told me I was worth more. I knew I had to listen because

Paul and I never have such conversations.

That was the trigger for everything I had been holding in.

In this new year I just want healing. Come what may... I just want a healed heart.

My intention is set and I have informed God about it. 

I am devoted to this mission.

This weekend, bored of Netflix and you tube I decided to finally read a book my dear friend from University had mailed me years ago. As fate would have it, I packed it in my suitcase when coming to Zambia.

All About Love by Bell Hooks......and deep...deep....exhale. .. There are so many layers to this book. It is a journey not a quick read. I know there  will be many days of reflection and correction, possibly a lot of re-reading, highlighting and note-taking.

"Everyone assumes that we will know  how to love instinctively. Despite overwhelming evidence to that contrary, we still accept that family is the primary school for love."

I knew nothing.

"Most psychologically and /or physically abused children have been taught by parenting adults that love can coexist with abuse"

I am one of those.  According to Bell Hooks many of us are.

"I got what I was accustomed to getting-care and affection, usually mingled with a degree of unkind-ness, neglect and on some occasions outright cruelty." 

My whole dating life.

"Estrangement from feelings makes it easier for men to lie because they are often in a trance state, utilizing survival strategies of asserting Manhood that they learned as boys. This inability to connect with others carries with it an inability to assume responsibility for causing pain."

Not just romantic relationships and but all types of relationships with men. 

"The wounded heart learns self love by first overcoming low self esteem." 

I wrote once that my mum had a big heart and so much love yet she never received that love back. In my childhood I watched her receiving the opposite and felt helpless to change anything. This book made me  wish she was taught to love herself the same way she loved those dear to her.

She REALLY  deserved so much more.

Bell Hooks' book says all the kind things I wish we all could have said to her before she died.

Now I am the one listening to those kind words. 

  I hope I make progress. 

Have you read the book? Are you on a journey too? In the comment section write your thoughts

Let's tell the truth as Bell Hooks so elegantly wrote.

I co-facilitated a workshop in Zambia this week with twenty refugee children.

The  moment I saw their internal spark come alive was during the digital storytelling session that I was leading on. 

The objective of the session was to teach the power of storytelling to influence positive change in their communities. 

It was really wonderful to watch their creativity thrive, as they tackled their projects. 

I wanted to write about this on the blog because I too am a creative at heart. 

For the last ten years of my career I have been allowed to demonstrate this through copy writing, photography, graphic design and video editing. 

I have been paid to do the very things that delighted me as a child; tell stories and make things!

I have made a professional career  doing the very things that I thought would remain hobbies for the rest of my life!

And some how over the last four years, there have been opportunities to teach children and young people to nurture these same skills that I thought were worthless when I was a mere naïve teenage! (Dear creative community, forgive me for my thoughts I was young🙈)

I am grateful.

I've  worked hard. 

I've  found joy.

Ultimately, God put me in those spaces. 

God showed me that this was possible.

I am now moving to another country to do the same....to be creative...how!?

I am so grateful.  

Thank you God for showing me that my existence and purpose is relevant. 

Thank You for showing me my place in this large and interesting world.

Sometimes I forget but You never miss an opportunity to remind me.

"The object isn't to make art, it's to be in that wonderful state which makes art inevitable." - Robert Henri 

I first heard the statement  "All attack is a call for help" in my teenage years, I was most likely watching something profound like the Oprah show, but I am not so sure. 

I really miss  Oprah's presence on my TV screen, that show was worth every Emmy it worn....Anyway the statement stuck and remained in my head, even though I was yet to understand the true meaning of it. It is attributed to the book  A Course in Miracles. Never read the book but maybe that will change one day.   

Then in my late teens or early 20's I came across it again while attending university. I bought the book A Conversation with God by Neale Donald Walsch-Book 1. Love the book, because it is such a wonderful way to trigger personal and internal conversations about how we form our relationship with God.  For those of us brought up in strict faiths ( I am a Catholic) sometimes we need to read and appreciate such perspectives. 

I accept that human beings are complicated.

We are stubbornly complex.

Then I  rake my brain trying my best to find the reason they are behaving this way.