I am writing from a vulnerable place.
I need to write this down.
I know it will help me in the future and maybe...just maybe it will help somebody else.
I have written about my anxiety before.
Since then I have learnt about different types.
After my father's passing I was forced to make a lot of big 'adult' decisions quickly and abruptly.
As a result, I developed an intense fear of making the wrong choice.
The fear has amplified over the years and now it almost crippling.
I am in the process of finding my home in Italy for the next year or three.
This is all really overwhelmingly new for me.
New language
New formal and informal processes.
New culture.
The last two weeks have been mentally tenacious
Lost appetite
Sleepless nights.
The occasional nightmares.
Unable to follow simple conversations during the day.
Plagued by endless thoughts of the worst case scenario.
I am good at panicking
I am good at imagining the worst
I can see red flags anywhere.
As mentioned before on the blog, I subscribed to headspace at the beginning of the year.
Somehow through this I remained committed and thankfully there were some snippets of clarity in my mind noise.
Headspace sessions are like little workouts for the mind no matter whether they are two minutes, ten minutes or twenty.
I had the opportunity to take a metaphorically step back and
really look at the chaos eschewing inside.
I started noticing triggers, fears, emotions, thoughts.
Contracts are triggers for me.
Emails and WhatsApp messages with demands are triggers for me
Flustered people are triggers.
Conversations about what could happen are triggers.
There is still a lot of work for me to do but I am grateful that I am willing to do it.
I put on my big girl panties and started having some tough conversations and negotiations .
No one can swoop in and save me.
I have to make decisions through the suffocating burning fear.
There was an acceptance of all of this, inside of me this time.
I called my bestie vented and cried.
Then I got to it.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been internally drowning for years.
Now I have a floater and I am paddling towards safety.
I am saving myself.
What about you? Care to share? How are you tackling your anxiety?
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