Mini episodes occur
Not Regularly though
The last ones were years ago
Yet I remember them in detail
I know my symptoms & triggers.
The very first is my ability to inhale & exhale.
Conscious effort is required.
I doubt whether I am worthy to be here
Worthy enough to breath
Every five minutes I gulp air down
But the world feels tight.
Unaccommodating and heavy
I question whether I can do this.
Then I can't sit still,
It is exacting to focus on my daily routine.
I live in a quiet bubble of imagined terror.
Something bad is about to happen I feel the urgency but I'm not prepared.
You know you can't always fight every mind war
with positive affirmations, lavender oil & chamomile tea.
The internet should know better than to tell us such things.
Best to find a secret place, put up your white flag and surrender.
Sun Tzu advises,
" If he can fight, he advances and takes the offensive;
If he cannot fight he retreats and remains in the defensive."
Picture someone placing a coffee mug close to the edge of your kitchen table.
Something knocks it... and you watch from a distance as it falls to ground,
you are powerless to save it.
I am the cup and and I can't stop myself from falling.
I just hope the mess on the floor won't be too difficult
for me to pick up and piece back together.
It might be a calm Sunday evening, however in my mind all hell is breaking loose.
A fire is starting and I am not sure how long it will take to put it out.
How much will it destroy along the way?
I have built so much of myself during this time of peace & stability.
Will there be anything left when it's done?
I reach out to those close to me to tell them.
Maybe if I speak on it, it will retreat
I exercise so that the raging fire will have less energy to burn through the night,
But at some point in those 24 hours I know I will be alone.
Alone in head,
Alone with my thoughts,
Alone with the shadows
Until I let them overcome me, they will not go.
Now I am worried,
Will I find my way back?
Will it all still be there, exactly as I left it?
I scold my self,
"There is nothing there, what are you frightened of?"
"A grown adult cannot be afraid of mind monsters "
But the shadows reply,
"You must let us swallow you whole
then hold your breath long enough to find your way out.
But YOU know how this works!
Why must you fight us every single time!? "
It's the power of my own voice that pulls me out from the ashes.
The one that recites Psalms in the morning before sunrise.
Exactly the way the Prayer Warrior told me to say them.
That's how I say them.
I read them out loud, keep my voice steady and consistent
She clearly instructed me,
"It's your job to have the the faith of a mustard seed
It God's job to do the rest."
When these episodes are over I forget,
Life becomes good again
I can breath in and out.
My chest is reckless.
Oxygen is in plenty.
I forget the intensity and hopelessness,
Until I see the triggers, then feel the symptoms
I get still and frightened
Because when the cup falls over the edge again
I think to myself,
What if this time...
What if this time, I don't make it out?
(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose )