It is the month of love. 

I hardly ever write on theme but for once I am on time and intend to contribute to this conversation.

My word for 2022 was 'heartbreak'. 

Both old and new; the wounds were seeping.

Unfortunately, in this world of innovations and AI,

 I couldn't make my way to the nearest  pharmacy and buy a self-medicated pill to fix it.

Why isn't there an antibiotic to clear emotional trauma yet?

Reluctantly accepting being disappointed by Number One, 

and the other significant two that followed was the only way to go. 

I had often pondered whether I was too impatient, but Number One returned to my life and in his alcoholic-abusive-confused-state confirmed very clearly that he was the problem not me.

My fault was that I allowed it until my big brother Paul said "WTF?...No!"

He told me I was worth more. I knew I had to listen because

Paul and I never have such conversations.

That was the trigger for everything I had been holding in.

In this new year I just want healing. Come what may... I just want a healed heart.

My intention is set and I have informed God about it. 

I am devoted to this mission.

This weekend, bored of Netflix and you tube I decided to finally read a book my dear friend from University had mailed me years ago. As fate would have it, I packed it in my suitcase when coming to Zambia.

All About Love by Bell Hooks......and deep...deep....exhale. .. There are so many layers to this book. It is a journey not a quick read. I know there  will be many days of reflection and correction, possibly a lot of re-reading, highlighting and note-taking.

"Everyone assumes that we will know  how to love instinctively. Despite overwhelming evidence to that contrary, we still accept that family is the primary school for love."

I knew nothing.

"Most psychologically and /or physically abused children have been taught by parenting adults that love can coexist with abuse"

I am one of those.  According to Bell Hooks many of us are.

"I got what I was accustomed to getting-care and affection, usually mingled with a degree of unkind-ness, neglect and on some occasions outright cruelty." 

My whole dating life.

"Estrangement from feelings makes it easier for men to lie because they are often in a trance state, utilizing survival strategies of asserting Manhood that they learned as boys. This inability to connect with others carries with it an inability to assume responsibility for causing pain."

Not just romantic relationships and but all types of relationships with men. 

"The wounded heart learns self love by first overcoming low self esteem." 

I wrote once that my mum had a big heart and so much love yet she never received that love back. In my childhood I watched her receiving the opposite and felt helpless to change anything. This book made me  wish she was taught to love herself the same way she loved those dear to her.

She REALLY  deserved so much more.

Bell Hooks' book says all the kind things I wish we all could have said to her before she died.

Now I am the one listening to those kind words. 

  I hope I make progress. 

Have you read the book? Are you on a journey too? In the comment section write your thoughts

Let's tell the truth as Bell Hooks so elegantly wrote.

Did you know a whole person can disappear into a book?

 For hours if  you do it properly.

 Undisturbed and uninterrupted. 

Open the book, flip the page and start to read, before long you find your self in a world with no recollection of when you stepped through the door or how you'll find your way back again.

I learnt this when I was little girl. My love for books grew from my parents reading me bedtime stories before I learnt how to read. It's the longest affair I have ever had. My Father loved to read Three Billy Goats Gruff with a booming animated voice for the troll. 

"WHO IS TRIP TRAPPING ALL OVER MY BRIGDE?"

(If you know, you know)

All the schools I attended  up to 13 years of age, had the best libraries, magical colourful places with endless shelves of books for all reading ages and tastes, bean bags and kind helpful librarians. 

I remember the first book I couldn't stop reading was Matilda by Roald Dahl. I hid it in my French exercise book during the primary school lesson and I think the smirk on my face gave me away. I got in trouble, but it was light trouble...How can one be mad at a child obsessed with reading?

I enjoyed bringing books home to read to my mother in the evenings as she knitted scarves, hats , baby sweaters and booties. 

My handwritten membership card filled up quickly because I reveled in the compulsory one hour a week reading time in the library. 

I was a Red House Book Club member! I got to order new books every year from their catalogue. I don't think they exist anymore...if they do correct me in the comment section

Remembering and blogging about these memories brings me so much pleasure.

Some of my favourite books included:

Goodnight Mr. Tom by Michelle Magorian

The Twits by Roald Daul

The BFG by Roald Daul

The Lorax by Dr Seuss

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone- J.K Rowling

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets -J.K Rowling 

Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery 

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett

The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

Charlotte's Web by E.B White 

I hope part of my legacy will be the books I leave behind... a private library maybe? 

What about you?

When did your love affair begin? 

What are you fondest memories? 

"Imposter syndrome tells us that we need to be perfect; otherwise we are failing"  

"Imposter syndrome is the cousin of fear. Both are boundless bastards."

"No mistake was made. You're dope. You're in the room. Own it"

"We actually say sorry for our presence, as if we exist as some sort of transgression to others."

"Speak of yourself and your work with exclamation points not question marks."

"We fear having too much hope"  

"I also learned that I can be proud of my work, but I can't tie my worth to it, because it can be fleeting. While we should own our dopeness, we can't let all the outside praise we get go to our heads. People will love us one day and HATE us the next."

" We've been told that our goodness in this world is directly tied to how much of ourselves we sacrifice for other people."

"We have to learn how to change and how to grow without guilt."

LA Times Story

New York Times Headline

"If there were rules to being a #GirlBoss-which there are not- one of them would be to question everything-including me. " ~ Sophia Amoruso

"And shitty jobs made the good ones more meaningful. Most people don't land their dream job right out of the gate, which means we all have to start somewhere. You'll appreciate your amazing career so much more when you look back at your not so amazing jobs in the past, and hopefully realize that you learned something from all of them." ~ Sophia Amoruso

"If  it sold we learned. if it didn't sell we learned. and we kept on learning."

                                                              ~ Sophia Amoruso

Vanity Fair Story

"If you're frustrated because you're not getting what you want stop for a second; Have you actually flat out asked for it? If you haven't stop complaining. You can't expect the world to read your mind. You have to put it out there, and sometimes putting it out there is as simple as just saying 'Hey can I have that? " ~ Sophia Amoruso

"When I am not working, I'm still working. i'm always observing, I'm taking photos of patterns and colors I see on the streets, I'm jotting down ideas, I'm meeting people, connecting the dots, researching my craft, trying new products, giving my friends manicures, working on my website, updating my social media accounts, working on my own products, on collaborative projects, putting together inspiration boards or sketching new ideas. I'm working on craft and my business not because I feel obligated, but because I love it. I've always had to work hard because I had no other choice, but I always believed in myself."~  Madeline Poole

"I learned early on the motto 'know thyself' I think if you have a unique point of view and stay relevant and authentic, you will make an impression. You have to be excited and passionate about your ideas to make them work. Chances are it will take twenty of those good ideas before one sticks and has a chance to become real, but a good idea is only good if there is a well thought-out plan to make reality." ~ Norma Kamali

Two hundred odd pages later, I had learned two things. The first is that Amoruso (pictured) seems nice: fun, self-deprecating and self-aware. The second is that this book is as shallow as a teaspoon: God help today's school-leavers if they need advice like "treat your LinkedIn profile like an online resume" and "spellcheck exists for a reason". Oh, and this: "Don't have sex with everyone in the world you work in. It's a small world." ~ Helen Lewis, The Guardian Book Review

"This is one of  the reasons I urged you in chapter 1 to know yourself, acknowledge your secrets in safe ways, and make it a priority of getting your heart healed."

"One of the immutable laws of relationships is the law of sacrifice, which means everyone involved must enter into and remain in a relationship with a willingness to give, not to take."

 "Understand that giving is rarely about the gift; it is about the heart."

"A good candidate for a relationship is a person who places a premium on integrity ."

 "Look for a quality human being, and do not enter into a relationship until you are certain that the person is someone of character who can receive and multiply what you have to give."

"In relationships understanding  motives is vital"

"Learning to be selective about the people with whom you walk closely will accomplish atleast two valuable  objectives for you. One, it will empower you to surround yourself with the kinds of people you need to be around- people who will help you advance toward your destiny, not derail or distract you. Two, it will keep you from wasting  your most precious commodity-your time-on the wrong people."

"People who add value to your life will honor God above all. They will  not bow to peer pressure. they will be secure enough in who they are that they really do not care whether others approve of them, as long as God is pleased."

"If you are in a relationship with someone who does not respect and honor God, you cannot expect that person to respect or honor you. If you want people in your life, first look to see if they are faithful to God."

"Loyalty does not sacrifice people for personal gain."

I want that ring and that hair!

"If you want  crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something else." ~ Christina yang, Grey's Anatomy

"I have been interviewed by Oprah three times. Here is what I remember about being interviewed by Oprah, a white- hot flashing light behind my eyes. A strange numbness in my limbs. A high pitched buzzing sound in my head."

"I thought saying YES would feel good. I thought it would feel freeing. Like Julie Andrews spinning around on that big mountain top at the beginning of The Sound of Music."

 "I mean don't worry. I'm not going to pass out, die or poop my pants. Mainly because just by telling you it could happen, I have somehow neutralized it as an option."

" LESSON ONE: Ditch the Dream, Be a Doer, not a Dreamer"

"What's your goal? I want to take over the world through television. I said it jokingly. But I was not joking. I was never joking. And now its happening. On the stage at the Lincoln center with Viola Davis standing beside me."

"Introverts prefer to work independently, and solitude can be a catalyst to innovation"

"Even the considerable more cheerful Theodor Geisel (otherwise known as Dr Seuss) spent his workdays ensconced in his private studio, the walls lined with sketches and drawings, in a bell tower outside his La Jolla California house. Geisel was a much more quiet man that his jocular rhymes suggest."

"The school also tries to turn quiet  students into talkers. The professors have their own 'Learning Teams ', in which they egg each other on with techniques to draw out reticent students."

"If personal space is vital to creativity, so is freedom from 'peer pressure'."

"If there is only one insight you take away from this book, though, I hope it's a newfound sense of entitlement to be yourself. I can vouch personally for the life-transforming effects of this outlook. Remember that  first client I told you about, the one called Laura in order to protect her identity? That was a story about me. I was my own first client."

"At a young age I learned that people smile big, hug tight and then go home and drown in their tears. I learned that sometimes you go to church to be healed, but if you aren't careful, people's approval can become more important than the message."

"Our insecurities create holes inside us that make us believe we can't be used."

"You can't ask directions from people who are lost themselves"

"So often we look for Him to calm the storms of our lives . But there are times when the storm can't go away because we need the rain." 

"I am convinced how you handle a set back  will determine the strength of your come back." 

"There was only the strange noises. Brida felt dizzy with fear she thought she might faint. But she mustn’t. Now that she was quite sure he was nowhere around, fainting certainly wouldn’t help matters. she must stay in control." ~ Paulo Coelho

“When she was a child, she would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, feeling terrified. Her father would carry her to the window and show her the town where they lived. He would talk to her about the night watchmen, about the milkman who would already be delivering milk, about the baker baking daily bread. Her father was trying to drive out the monsters with which she’d filled the night and replaced them with the people who kept watch over the darkness. ”~ Paulo Coelho

• Brida’s father showing her that the night is necessary in life.

•  Her father showing her a different perspective to the darkness.

• Night is not just the absence of light, but a time which people use the precious quiet time to prepare for the day, even to keep others safe.

"The night is just part of the day. Therefore she could feel as safe in the dark as she did in the light. It was the dark that made her invoke the protective presence. She must trust it. And that trust was called Faith. No one could understand Faith, but faith was what she was experiencing now, an inexplicable immersion in blackest night." ~ Paulo Coelho