2019 you were a tough but a much needed defining year for me . 

You are the building of the steady foundation for what is to come. 

You have assured me that I am ready to take many adulting steps in the next few years. 

2009 to 2019, you've been a monumental decade for me too!

The last ten years have taught me about people,

 and the importance of all the different types of relationships in my life.

Life has really engaged and challenged me.

This decade made me realize that my parents were my first loves,

and theirs was the only approval that I ever needed.

I am extremely grateful that I was there near the end of their lives

And that I got to take care of them, 

and show them how much I love and cherish them always. 

My siblings will continue to be my biggest supporters and critics,

Those bonds can't be broken.  

My friendships require  just as much work as any relationship.

Where would I be without the ladies that make me a better woman? 

Career-wise, I have worked hard, courtesy of my parent's teachings,

I remember my dad accusing me of being a workaholic once,

And I cheekily told him, " I learnt it from you".

As much I have worked,

I find joy in building my skill set.

I can't say it enough on this blog but I love creating. 

This decade I have made videos, taken photos, blogged and painted!

Activities I thought would be banished to my childhood forever. 

God has been persistently reminding me not to be a Debby Downer, I must thrive fantastically too. 

This year I lost my beloved Dad 

and the way my colleagues and friends rallied around me and my siblings,

left me speechless,

I was surprised and touched by their support.

People...

this decade was about me navigating and appreciating people and relationships

I need my people.

Even though sometimes I want to hide in a forest as a hermit,

and avoid all interactions...

I need my people.

But also... 

my people need me.

So goodbye 2019 

Here's to 2020!!

I  get stuck inside my head sometimes.

Keeping my problems, fears, anxieties and worries to myself.

I only share when the storm has passed.

This is going to change.

I have learned the wonderfulness of sharing and consulting
in confidants.

Confidants who are colleagues, friends and family.

I have learnt about the blissfulness of release of perfection,
and 'keeping it together',
of not carrying the load on my own.

I always used to worry what people would think of me,
if I showed them the mess & chaos that I am dealing with.

But the last few months,
sharing helped me grow,
sharing helped me learn,
sharing made me feel safe and loved,
sharing helped me rest,
sharing helped me learn I am not alone
and sharing helped me fix the mess. 

So here's to me praying, speaking up, and sharing more.

Also watch this one by  Evelyn From the Internets too...

Some people will not understand until you crush them.

Some people will not behave until you crush them.

Some people don't understand any other language but being unmercifully crushed.

So that is what we will do Dad,

 we will crush them.

They don't know that you taught us how to be cold blooded too.

We will crush them into nothingness

and scatter them into oblivion.

They will not come back from this ever.

Psalm 121

I refuse to worry.

Too much is coming at me all at once.

And I am tired of trying to do everything, all right, all the time.

At night , as the cliche goes, I lay in bed staring at my yellow ceiling, 

thinking about all that could wrong.

Sleepless in Kla.

For what?

Hasn't the worst happened?
Aren't Mum & Dad gone?

Dear Dad, 

I was waiting for it to happen. 

When they took my keys and drove us  home from the hospital,

When we had the meeting around the table with Uncle Kizza, Andrew and Uncle Tony 

to discuss the funeral arrangements, 

When we picked out the coffin at Uganda Funeral Home the next morning, 

Or in the afternoon, after we took your dark navy suit to
A++ funeral mortuary at Mengo Hospital,

I was waiting..

Amongst  the blurriness of my tears, despite what everyone thought,
  I  was alert & waiting. 

When we finally arrived in the village the evening before the burial,

When I sat by you in your open coffin at 9 pm in Jajja's sitting room, 

 Even, the next day, when everyone was gone 

 and John, Paul and  I watched them smooth the concrete over your grave,

I stood by our Jajjas' and Sengas' resting place waiting,

I  remember that conversation we had in the hospital.

The many conversations we had at home.

You were always a master at reading & handling human beings. 

We knew that.

Your children  always knew it.

 We know how to live. 

We  have more than what Malcolm Gladwell calls 10,000 hours of practice.

How many hours is it... if you've  been practicing since childhood?

Anyways.... Stay well Dad
More updates for when i next write again...

photo credit: Unsplash

Dear Dad,

I was meant to write something profound,

 but you know how these things go, words have failed me.

Please excuse all grammatical errors I know how much those things annoy you.  

This is a blog so we don't take these things so seriously here. I write as I would speak it.

I just realized  I never showed  this space to you,

 but I know that you knew that I was always writing.

This is not the usual way we communicate, me and you,

yet I feel like I must write this,

not so sure how to go about it though...

I never mastered the courage to write to Mum;

never knew how best to start.

Once she was gone I realized just how much I needed you both.

So now you have passed,  I am prepared for the widening hole.

I didn't want you to go, but I have accepted because I want you to go peacefully.

Go peacefully with all our love, prayers and support. 

Your loving daughter,

Maria. 

photo credit: unsplash 

A word of advice. 

Please  don't take what I am about to say lightly, 

because this is real  gold and diamond encrusted wisdom that I am giving you for free. 

Here goes...

Read the next sentence carefully..

You NEVER fully recover from your first serious incident of burnout.

From that moment onwards you... yes you  are tainted. 

Tainted like the yellowish after effects of a bad liver infection.
I am talking about the kind of burnout that leaves you stuck in bed for days.
I am talking about the kind of burnout that leaves you  zombie-like
unable to enjoy a good book or your fave TV show .
I am talking about the type of burnout that induces vomit burning
deep at the back of your throat,
every time your phone pings with a new notification.

You are now polluted. 

You pushed yourself right off the edge and

 now you've got to learn how to live with this new body and mind of yours. 

Here's the thing though...

Life will do what it has always done.

Life will keep happening. 

Blessings will charmingly covort into your realm of reality 

Opportunities will shimmy in announced and unannounced

 but the impaired you is now cautious
Sometimes even suspicious of the universe's  timing.
Because just yesterday you were seated in hospital at 2 am,
worried,
deeply worried,
while you  were waiting  for your  Dad
 to complete his emergency treatment.

Ups and Downs come together and separately.
But now you have learnt something new about yourself
You cannot naively reach out to grab every good fortune or luck that comes your way.
You know the consequences of greed.

You know your limits.

You played the game for a while,
  and learnt you really don't need to have it all.  

Your mental boundaries are now a life vest . 

I mean what good is a gift if it will eventually drown you?

That's why I haven't been writing as much...

I am figuring out how to bloom

I am figuring out how to thrive 

I  have reached the 'much has been given' level
and I am learning the' wisdom' bit on the job

I walk around now asking God,  'How?"

"How do I manage this?"

"How do I leverage this?"

"How do I enjoy this?"

"How do I not forget this?"

"How do I live with this?"

"How do I take care of my self amongst all this?"

I am still gathering the answers 

And life is doing what God told it to do

Life is happening!

(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose )

I was inspired by this Carrie Hope Fletcher's You Tube Video. I hope to one day be as endearing  yet succinct when I converse with people.

 Every time I watch her videos, I feel like she's an old friend sitting down to have a good honest sincere chat with me about life and things...

So she came up with a list of prompts for content creation in May, and I wanted to join and make something....not  a video but maybe some blog posts..right? I am late to the party though.... as its already 27th  May. So I decided I would just write a line for each word prompt and make it all one loooooong random blog post. 

So here you go, here's to the month of  May!

Running: 

I really don't know how people can keep up a daily running schedule without getting bored. I commend you if you are one of those people.  I need that kind of commitment to exercise in  my life. Share your secrets with  us , we get bored of the same exercise after just two months...smh

Stars: 

I never got the chance to study astronomy in school, and  I feel like I missed out. Seems I have been living in this bubble that consists only of earth. I hope to change this soon & learn more about our galaxy & universe. As much information as is available I guess...

Doughnut: 

Jam filled doughnuts heated in the micro wave for 10 seconds can cure a negative thought spiral. Trust me on this.

Red lips:

 The right red lipstick can do wonders for your confidence.
My newest color is called Milani's 'amour' mwaaaaa!

Eggs: 

Scrambled eggs with butter and milk is they the best way to go

Weight: 

It's funny how people  who don't usually talk to you,
feel the sudden urge to speak to you when you gain weight...
Almost like you have done something illegal...

Salty:

 Listen to Be Careful by Cardi B

Pranking: 

Last time I saw a good prank I was a child. 

Umbrella:
I always have one in my bag, a habit I picked up from all my years in England.

Bodies:
 Listen to Unpretty by TLC

Sunflowers:
These yellow things always cheer me up when I go upcountry.

Storms:
"Power is not given to you, You have to take it." ~ Beyonce

Little:
Sometimes people treat me like I don't matter, then I look in the mirror and remember I am a full grown woman, and I know that I must  be prepared to  use my voice when necessary.

Curtains:
I love a good musical. Why curtains reminded me of that I don't know!?!

Black & White:
  Go watch the movie Pleasantville staring Reese Witherspoon and Toby Magwire .

Conscious:
Lately, my anxiety tends to  leave me lost in a tornado of thoughts.
I say a tornado because I feel like I have no control.
I am still finding my way...

Luck:
 Is it luck, or is it fate? Sometimes I am never quite so sure.

Sparkle:
 Everybody needs a cup that has sparkle on it, to remind  them that  their inner light can never be dimmed...or maybe  just to enjoy staring at shinny things...

Myself:
"I am gonna keep running cause a winner don't quit on themselves." ~ Beyonce

Mundane:
Lord knows my body fights against  the Mundane by refusing to get up on time...lol..

Space:
So I was advised recently to get my own space, and the truth is I do need too.
So I am hunting for my own space.
If I am honest  I would like a new beginning.
 I am ready to move on...

Bloom:
 Where ever one is planted. learning to survive and thrive is important in this life.

Kindness:
Something that we all need yet some people think it's a weakness

Letters:
My mum loved to write letters, she would sit on the dinning table in the afternoon with her notepad and write. I loved to stick the stamps on the envelopes when she was done.

Moon:
In some places when a women's period has started,
they say the 'Moon' has come...how interesting is that?

Jekyll & Hyde:
 Some people are actually a slightly toned version of this in our workplaces. Jesus Mary and Joseph help us.

Circles:
Go listen to Circles- Tamar Braxton

Chaos:
As Little finger said on Game Of Thrones, "chaos is a ladder."

Praise:
"Praise him Praaaise him, Praaaaaaaaaaise him in morning, Praaaaaaise him in the evening Praise him Praise him. Praise him when the sun goes down"~ Every Mum and Aunty I know loves to sing this hymn while looking round the house for work they are going give me to do....

Apologies:
Some people love to receive these, and yet are terrible at giving them. The irony!?!

Hope:
I sometimes curse my self for having hope that even in the most darkest ,most hopeless moments in my life will stubbornly flicker.... maybe i shall write a little blog post about this....maybe not...


Alright...I guess that's all...until the next post. 

I wanted to write from a sad dark disrespectful place,

because it is easy for me.

Second nature.

But God said, "No, please don't write from there."

I had forgotten once again, 

 even though we (God & I) have  been on this self -love journey for a long while.

You see I was starting to believe two hurt fools.

 They keep projecting their sense of worthlessness onto me.

Drumming , Drumming & Drumming... 

I have this talent, I can mentally self-flagellate excellently. 

Most likely because I am a Catholic.

When someone starts to beat me down, I instinctively join them.

I help them choose the stick, the whip, the chains, the knife, the words. 

No questions asked.

No doubt in  my mind that I deserve to be taken down.

"It MUST be me," my mind with automatically say

"I must be the problem."

So I had the pen in my hand,

 and the paper, ready for the first draft.

I saved the title on Blogger in the drafts' section

I didn't want to not write about this...

But God said to me 

"I told you NO!

Don't ...please don't  write from there."

Number 1. 

I am scared ALL the time.

 Like all the time. 

Like every second. 

Like there is NO peace . 

Like  even when I am sleeping I am SCARED.  

It feels like a Game of Thrones episode in my body. 

What the h*** is going on inside of me?

No one prepared me properly for this. 

Number 2. 

I don't understand the language needed to navigate this world.

Why do people assume this stuff comes naturally?

I want to be stubborn & stop the whole process because I can't control it.

I am tongue-tied all the time.

Like ALL the time.

I re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

everything!

 I delete messages, scold myself and start typing again.

It is a perpetual loop of digital doom.

But what baffles me is the amount of courage it requires for me to click 'SEND'...

Hours.

Yes hours not minutes. 

Hours of me talking myself into clicking send.

As if clicking will trigger world war three...

There are world leaders making crucial decisions at important global summits; 

decisions that will impact generations to come.

And I can't seem to send a mere "Hi, How are you?" message to my Intended.  

What demon is this!?!?

I am a grown women yet... 

I don't know how to say what I feel or ask for what I need. 

Number 3. 

This kind of fear

...It's exhausting... 

Jesus, Mary and Joseph pray for us.

Making:  Time to pray the rosary. I must confess the concentration span & dedication required to recite it is a deterrent to me, most especially when the mind is tired, preoccupied & weak.  Yet a surprising, but timely invitation from a colleague for a daily lunch time rosary dedication during the time of lent came. I have been hit by bouts of anxiety again. Certain people with consistent temper fits & mood swings are contributing to these negative spells , and this  quiet time amongst other fellow believers is a much needed daily retreat.  I had forgotten about the consistent cloak of peace that descends upon the troubled mind within the first five minutes of prayer .Some how I found myself praying for those causing me angst and seeing God work in their lives... 

Drinking: Everything in my new red glitter Starbucks cup, birthday gift from my big brother. Cue Pharrell' William's Happy Song

Reading: Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, I can't put this book down. By the way , she was born in 1993. Take a deep breath...yes take a deep breath. Drink some water. Now go and wonder what you were doing when you were 25 years...

Playing: I don't play mind games but it seems many people do.

Wishing: Strength & change. I need the strength to make some changes. 

Enjoying: Iz harris' You Tube Chanel.  If you like good authentic visual storytelling . Go watch her videos and thank me later. She is inspiring me daily to improve my skills. 

Writing: My muse has temporary avoidant attachment style, we can't seem to get ourselves together... but we will eventually..I am enjoying this break though. I am enjoying just reading for the sake of reading.

Loving: My Harry Potter bookmarks. Another birthday present from my big brother. The revived nine year old girl in me was thrilled to receive them...I  guess once you are a Harry Potter fan...then always a Harry Potter Fan! Even if I feel J.K Rowling is ruining her legacy with the Fantastic Beast Movie Series...it is just unnatural for her to have so many plot holes and hollow characters in a story.  I will still watch all of them though. 

Eating: red chicken thighs and spicy rice , guess from where?

Needing: A spa day, and thanks to my friend Kullein, I am booked for Easter Monday!

Wearing: All my lipsticks are actually getting finished...I am going on a lipstick shopping spree soon. My make up phase is not a phase anymore...
Also I  am really trying new hair this year. Thanks to my sister in law...2019 is all about bringing the fire!

Knowing: That I need to get comfortable speaking my mind and asking for what I want. 

Thinking:  Change. Can I manage change? Yet it all needs to happen. It is time.

Giggling Over: I may actually write about John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....That book is not a gimmick, it's game changing wisdom. I am giggling in surprise...

It is just a teeny weeny weeny weeny part of the internet.

A promise made on an island to myself,

and now an anchor when I feel perturbed or misaligned.

I can always come back and wonder through this digital space.

In this current life,
I often silently fight with my millennial self,

just to fit in,

 just to get it right the first time round;

just to check all the correct boxes.

When I feel worsened by the battle,
 I  return to this cross road of a blog.

So that the writing and sharing can help me recall which direction I set my feet upon. 

I read only a few posts, cause it doesn't take long for comfort to find me.

A few deep breaths later,

I remember that these unnerving moments always come. 

That it is not unfamiliar.

I have already created a concrete formula and map to handle this.

To redirect even.

I always leave a spare key and clues here to help on the way out,
so I don't have to figure out all the answers to the present pressing mess at once

I don't have to fix it right now or sometimes even ever.

When I look back at the short amount of time this blog has been running,
forgive me but I am a teeny weeny weeny bit proud of myself!

It's 8.00 pm in Kitgum District.

The hot spell has followed us from the capital to the town 

It's the type of devilish heat that suffocates,

The type that will sneak up on you if you don't pace yourself & stay hydrated,

The type that teaches you the art of patience & presence on an afternoon field mission,

The type that makes a cold shower after a long day in the dust and sun, a  glorious blessing.

The dog days of Uganda are here,

A whole month late by the way... 

I am sprawled across my hotel room bed,
And I can confirm the top covers will remain unused for the rest of the week.

My mosquito net is already in place, but I hear none circling the bed posts.

My fan is on full BLAST!
The warm air in here must not settle or become stagnant

I am scared  the fan will fly of the wall at any moment and sever my head,
 because of it's unstable buzzing spin.
I can't switch it off  because I need it.
But...  it sounds mad, real mad at the world.
Maybe the fluctuating electricity from the generator is overwhelming the poor thing.
But I can't turn it off.
The one window in my hotel room must remain shut.
My door must  stay locked. 

As a woman, I don't have the luxury of taking such chances.

Good news is, it's been raining since 4.00 pm.

We were all relieved to see the swollen grey clouds taking siege of the sky
 to announce the arrival of  the rain.
Yet the heat has  only slightly relented.

Yesterday my brother called, our Jajja is unwell.

 my siblings and I need to go see her as soon as possible.

I have just got off the phone with Dad, 

Anytime my father says he's unwell

I am triggered, especially when I am miles away. 

I still have work assignments to complete, but my mind needs to settle and focus.

I am waiting for the enchanting silence of the midnight hour. 

So I reshuffle the tasks of my evening routine

I kneel  to pray.

I google Psalm 51 on my phone,

 and the strangest thought occurs to me,

What if I could go back 10 years with all the knowledge I have now about  life....

Would my prayers have been any different?

I know immediately that they would be the same,
though with some new additions.

So many things swirl in my mind,
that I spend a full 30 minutes astray in the forest that is my thoughts
And then I recall what I knelt down to do,
I finish my task and get up off my knees.

Have you ever thought about it to?

Would your prayers have been different knowing what you know now?

One of the perks about getting older is,

You are always so happy to discover yourself.

You eventually & begrudgingly accept that "fitting in" will never happen,
 and thankfully that provides space for more productive hours in your life.

All that time you would spend molding yourself to seamlessly camouflage among the crowds,
you now spend getting to know yourself and what you can do.

And so, in the spirit of adulting in 2019,
I have a confession to make about me, about myself.

*clears throat*.

*takes a deep breath*

I loooooaaaathe the month of December!

I hate it!

I know...I know... WTH?

First don't freak out...don't get upset.

Freedom of speech still sort of works,
I am allowed to express my STRONG repugnance of all things regarding the Xmas holidays.

Yes...these are  big words.
However, I am a grown woman,
who can use a dictionary, even if my grammar usage is questionable .
I  know the definitions of these words.
 I know they must be used after serious consideration and thought.

I am not stuttering.
Let me  assure you, these are not  type-Os.

Let me also be very clear once more...
I mislike the last month of the Julian/ Gregorian Calendar year.

My apologies to all  those Christmas enthusiasts,
yes you with the red hat,
 and matching red outfit busy humming 'We wish you a Merry Christmas....".
(I heard you secretly singing it in June...)
Feel free to carry on with your festive engagements.
Freedom of expression is also allowed.

For me however,

Those final 31 days of the earth circling the yellow dwarf star,
feel like trudging through swampy murky muddy aqua.

It's an internal aversion,
my body hates it;
 I try to be merry & chipper,
though I always fail ,
In 2018, we decorated a tree.
I bought two gargantuan chocolate Santas
We, my nephews, nieces and I, danced around the living room
to the song, Rocking Around the Christmas Tree;
but my body refused to oblige.
Instead, I fantasized about escaping to a fabulous tranquil beach somewhere,
when December rears it's nauseating cheery head again this year.
Can you book a holiday 355 days in advance?

I felt like I was literally carrying around sacks of coal the whole time,
and I didn't want to infect everyone's jubilant mood.
So I asked my body,

"Why.....what happened to us? "

But it won't divulge it's secret.

"We do not like or look forward to Christmas..that's all!" it replied,
 "Bah-humburg to the whole jolly season!"

Disney's Christmas Carol ( Credit: fanpop.com)

For the record this is not about  Jesus.
This has nothing to do with Him.
I love Jesus.

I cherish all moments of prayer.
I go for mass on Sundays and any day of the week I can manage.
I love the nativity story. I make time to read it throughout the year.
I am not questioning my commitment as a christian.

I just seem to not like how we have decided to celebrate the end of the year.

So there...now you know.
I feel really bad about my lack of Christmas spirit.
No quite sure if this is something that can be fixed or healed.
Not sure if I want to spend any time trying.

But I have discovered something else about myself...
Let me tell you all about how WE, my body and I, feel about the new year...

Like this...Like this ....exactly like this! ( credit:patch.com)

On Monday (31 Dec 2018) I found myself wondering through the day,
 with unusual fizzy feelings in my stomach.
Just like how the light orange form bubbles in Fanta whizz up the glass as you pour,
 My tummy was having a house party which I wasn't informed about.
 Couldn't sit still.
Could not focus.

At 5.00 pm  when I got home,
from work and last-day-of-year-errands,
  I had to stop and self assess...
Was that REALLY excitement or the beginning of a nasty bacteria infection?

"For what?" I thought.

"The NEEEEEEEEEW Yeeeeeear!" My gut shouted back.

"Seriously?" my pessimistic self replied

"Yes, think of all the great things we shall do!" My gut replied

Then my stomach  twirled like Kenya Moore in Real Housewives of Atlanta

I AM A NEW YEAR PERSON! 💃💃💃

Credit: Bravo TV

But...like..I...what...how...when did this happen?

I don't know, but I have decided to ride this wave of enthusiasm for ALL its worth.

Me....this is Me right now...

I love the new year.

I am about the beginning, not the end.

We start all over again

We set goals.

We clean & clear things out.

We organize ourselves.

We unfollow, unfriend, block, delete.

 We continue with on-going projects with re-energized zeal and relish

We work, We learn, We grow, We love, We achieve throughout the year.

I am literally just bouncing around the world like a firework in a Katy Perry  music video right now!

Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the room, room, room
(I promise this lyric sounds better when you sing it.)




As you know life can sometimes have its own plans,
So leave me alone, let me be in this unexpected naive bliss of optimism
just some few days into the new year....

This post is my love letter to those of us who struggle through December.
It really isn't everyone's month.

Some of us are reminded of terrible losses.
We are altered and tarnished by the world.
December is for holding our breath, cause we are drowning.

The new year though...

The new year is for bursting through the surface of the icy water.

We have survived. 

Ready to begin a fresh!

With zeal.

With relish.

With gusto.

This blog post is for you.

Hang in there, you made it through. We did it!

Here's to 2019!

Cheers! 🍷🍸🍹🍺