I can’t quite remember the exact moment when I realized I was a woman, not a girl.

Being the curious child that I was, I always wondered what kind of woman I’d grow up to be. There were many expectations.  “Sit properly! Ladies sit with their legs together and back straight.” “You can’t eat that. Women are not supposed to” “You need to learn how to cook. Every woman should know how to cook.” 

But when did I realize I was no longer a girl, but now a woman?

Was it when I had my first periods? I had all my aunties around me saying I was not a girl anymore. I had become a woman. Also I finally found out what the thingys in the pink Always kavera were used for. Womanhood, ay? 

Or maybe it was after my first heartbreak. “The first cut is the deepest” is a tired line. That first break up is always tough. On one hand, you feel you can never love again & on the other hand, you have to act like nothing’s wrong. You have to be strong. That’s what being a woman is, right? 

No, I think it was when I graduated from University. I mean, it’s the 21^st century. Every respectable female adult should have at least one degree. I qualify to be a woman, right?

I actually think the day I became a woman was the day I got married to the love of my life. Such a happy day!  “When you become someone’s wife” was the first thing my mother said to me every time I came home to visit. Lucky for me, I got married at the ‘right’ age, to a man from a wealthy family. Phew!

Nothing says womanhood like giving life. So the day I became a woman was definitely the day I gave birth to my first born son. Greatest day for every woman, so they say.

Women are not made in a single moment! It takes time to build a beautiful & intelligent woman of virtue, some more than others. Truth is, you will find 30 year old girls & 19 year old women. 

“The power of a woman comes not from the strength of her body or the shrewdness of her resolve, but in the beauty of her mind, heart, and her soul. A simple look can brighten the darkest hour. Her touch can warm the coldest of days. Her smile can intoxicate you. Her words can give you wealth that the richest man would covet.” – Troy White

Dear Future Me…

I hope you know that at 27 my peers are writing letters to future spouses and their unborn children while I'm stuck reminiscing with you. But then again, even as a little girl we never dreamt of white weddings or ever imagined the existence of silly little boys who think stealing a heart is a hobby. 

At least for now I can get away with saying "I'm still finding my feet being me and I don't want to lose that trying to be anyone else." Some would still say we are a selfish person but I pray most for those who will never know the fulfilment of being their own first. 

So basically 2016 has already had a weird start, I finally felt the pangs of loneliness for the first time in our life of singlehood. Alone became an unanticipated flame that I was not prepared for and the more I kept trying to put it out, the more it burned furiously. It didn't seem to matter how loud I laughed when I was with our friends or how much my nephew's smile warmed my heart after a long day or how many personal goals I excelled in accomplishing, it still felt like there was a dance my heart yearned to be part of every night I went to bed with myself. But worry not wiser one, like a good soldier I continue to safe guard the empty void I carry so that it's never okay for me to entertain nothingness into our most intimate space. 

I hope you never cringe when you think of me, I was only doing the best I could in the little moments you gifted me with. I have to admit for me it's been the greatest pleasure becoming you, piecing together all the magical fragments that make up all your parts. 

Do you still change your mind as often as I do? Do you still fall in love with the sky every time it hides the sun behind its clouds? Do you still sleep in your underwear? 

This is the week you moved out of home, officially. I hope you always remember the faith, the courage, and the dreams you took with you to HustleBurg, never forgetting the source of your glorious light. I have a feeling we will have many firsts in the big city and I hope this foreign engulfing loneliness is just a passing season. 

I love you even though I haven't met you yet and I am certain you will always look back and remember me with tenderness. I really hope there is always a part of me in you wherever you decide to grow. Keep me enveloped deep inside your hidden heart and I will never mislead you. 

Love our friends okay? I know the world cannot even begin to understand the pleasure those women have given us but trust me they've been there for us in ways only we needed. 

And don't forget, as long as you are still me, mistakes will always be okay. We live and love hopelessly, madly and deeply, sometimes with vague goals and mumbled up plans.

Travel Africa like you've promised me you would and read wonderful books on all your trips ... well I also happen to know you'll be writing a few yourself soon. 

Keep avoiding the sun, it has a bad habit of punishing us for the sins of our forefathers. Swim in the river, so we never get swallowed up by the sea. Talk to your sisters more, they will always need you to hold their hand. Always remember we never run from the rain, so please let it cleanse you on days when you need it the most. Disappear from the crowd a lot, it helps with finding your peace and joy through prayer. 

I know enough about you to expect that you'll most probably fall in love again. It won't be easy, you'll still flinch with a racing heart when he reaches for you. But even then I hope the scars have stopped bleeding, faded enough to give your beautiful soul another chance to lose itself without any certaintities. 

Otherwise I promise we will always be fine. Our name is written on the insides of our Creator's palm, so as long as we are in Him, we are well kept. 

I love you ♡

And I will write to you again soon...