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| Sinawo Bukani |
Dear Future
Me…
I hope you know that at 27 my peers are writing letters to future spouses and their unborn children while I'm stuck reminiscing with you. But then again, even as a little girl we never dreamt of white weddings or ever imagined the existence of silly little boys who think stealing a heart is a hobby.
At least for now I can get away with saying "I'm still finding my feet being me and I don't want to lose that trying to be anyone else." Some would still say we are a selfish person but I pray most for those who will never know the fulfilment of being their own first.
So basically 2016 has already had a weird start, I finally felt the pangs of loneliness for the first time in our life of singlehood. Alone became an unanticipated flame that I was not prepared for and the more I kept trying to put it out, the more it burned furiously. It didn't seem to matter how loud I laughed when I was with our friends or how much my nephew's smile warmed my heart after a long day or how many personal goals I excelled in accomplishing, it still felt like there was a dance my heart yearned to be part of every night I went to bed with myself. But worry not wiser one, like a good soldier I continue to safe guard the empty void I carry so that it's never okay for me to entertain nothingness into our most intimate space.
I hope you never cringe when you think of me, I was only doing the best I could in the little moments you gifted me with. I have to admit for me it's been the greatest pleasure becoming you, piecing together all the magical fragments that make up all your parts.
Do you still change your mind as often as I do? Do you still fall in love with the sky every time it hides the sun behind its clouds? Do you still sleep in your underwear?
This is the week you moved out of home, officially. I hope you always remember the faith, the courage, and the dreams you took with you to HustleBurg, never forgetting the source of your glorious light. I have a feeling we will have many firsts in the big city and I hope this foreign engulfing loneliness is just a passing season.
I love you even though I haven't met you yet and I am certain you will always look back and remember me with tenderness. I really hope there is always a part of me in you wherever you decide to grow. Keep me enveloped deep inside your hidden heart and I will never mislead you.
Love our friends okay? I know the world cannot even begin to understand the pleasure those women have given us but trust me they've been there for us in ways only we needed.
And don't forget, as long as you are still me, mistakes will always be okay. We live and love hopelessly, madly and deeply, sometimes with vague goals and mumbled up plans.
Travel Africa like you've promised me you would and read wonderful books on all your trips ... well I also happen to know you'll be writing a few yourself soon.
Keep avoiding the sun, it has a bad habit of punishing us for the sins of our forefathers. Swim in the river, so we never get swallowed up by the sea. Talk to your sisters more, they will always need you to hold their hand. Always remember we never run from the rain, so please let it cleanse you on days when you need it the most. Disappear from the crowd a lot, it helps with finding your peace and joy through prayer.
I know enough about you to expect that you'll most probably fall in love again. It won't be easy, you'll still flinch with a racing heart when he reaches for you. But even then I hope the scars have stopped bleeding, faded enough to give your beautiful soul another chance to lose itself without any certaintities.
Otherwise I promise we will always be fine. Our name is written on the insides of our Creator's palm, so as long as we are in Him, we are well kept.
I love you ♡
And I will write to you again soon...
I hope you know that at 27 my peers are writing letters to future spouses and their unborn children while I'm stuck reminiscing with you. But then again, even as a little girl we never dreamt of white weddings or ever imagined the existence of silly little boys who think stealing a heart is a hobby.
At least for now I can get away with saying "I'm still finding my feet being me and I don't want to lose that trying to be anyone else." Some would still say we are a selfish person but I pray most for those who will never know the fulfilment of being their own first.
So basically 2016 has already had a weird start, I finally felt the pangs of loneliness for the first time in our life of singlehood. Alone became an unanticipated flame that I was not prepared for and the more I kept trying to put it out, the more it burned furiously. It didn't seem to matter how loud I laughed when I was with our friends or how much my nephew's smile warmed my heart after a long day or how many personal goals I excelled in accomplishing, it still felt like there was a dance my heart yearned to be part of every night I went to bed with myself. But worry not wiser one, like a good soldier I continue to safe guard the empty void I carry so that it's never okay for me to entertain nothingness into our most intimate space.
I hope you never cringe when you think of me, I was only doing the best I could in the little moments you gifted me with. I have to admit for me it's been the greatest pleasure becoming you, piecing together all the magical fragments that make up all your parts.
Do you still change your mind as often as I do? Do you still fall in love with the sky every time it hides the sun behind its clouds? Do you still sleep in your underwear?
This is the week you moved out of home, officially. I hope you always remember the faith, the courage, and the dreams you took with you to HustleBurg, never forgetting the source of your glorious light. I have a feeling we will have many firsts in the big city and I hope this foreign engulfing loneliness is just a passing season.
I love you even though I haven't met you yet and I am certain you will always look back and remember me with tenderness. I really hope there is always a part of me in you wherever you decide to grow. Keep me enveloped deep inside your hidden heart and I will never mislead you.
Love our friends okay? I know the world cannot even begin to understand the pleasure those women have given us but trust me they've been there for us in ways only we needed.
And don't forget, as long as you are still me, mistakes will always be okay. We live and love hopelessly, madly and deeply, sometimes with vague goals and mumbled up plans.
Travel Africa like you've promised me you would and read wonderful books on all your trips ... well I also happen to know you'll be writing a few yourself soon.
Keep avoiding the sun, it has a bad habit of punishing us for the sins of our forefathers. Swim in the river, so we never get swallowed up by the sea. Talk to your sisters more, they will always need you to hold their hand. Always remember we never run from the rain, so please let it cleanse you on days when you need it the most. Disappear from the crowd a lot, it helps with finding your peace and joy through prayer.
I know enough about you to expect that you'll most probably fall in love again. It won't be easy, you'll still flinch with a racing heart when he reaches for you. But even then I hope the scars have stopped bleeding, faded enough to give your beautiful soul another chance to lose itself without any certaintities.
Otherwise I promise we will always be fine. Our name is written on the insides of our Creator's palm, so as long as we are in Him, we are well kept.
I love you ♡
And I will write to you again soon...
Here is the link to her personal blog http://sinawobukani.wordpress.com
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