A word of advice. 

Please  don't take what I am about to say lightly, 

because this is real  gold and diamond encrusted wisdom that I am giving you for free. 

Here goes...

Read the next sentence carefully..

You NEVER fully recover from your first serious incident of burnout.

From that moment onwards you... yes you  are tainted. 

Tainted like the yellowish after effects of a bad liver infection.
I am talking about the kind of burnout that leaves you stuck in bed for days.
I am talking about the kind of burnout that leaves you  zombie-like
unable to enjoy a good book or your fave TV show .
I am talking about the type of burnout that induces vomit burning
deep at the back of your throat,
every time your phone pings with a new notification.

You are now polluted. 

You pushed yourself right off the edge and

 now you've got to learn how to live with this new body and mind of yours. 

Here's the thing though...

Life will do what it has always done.

Life will keep happening. 

Blessings will charmingly covort into your realm of reality 

Opportunities will shimmy in announced and unannounced

 but the impaired you is now cautious
Sometimes even suspicious of the universe's  timing.
Because just yesterday you were seated in hospital at 2 am,
worried,
deeply worried,
while you  were waiting  for your  Dad
 to complete his emergency treatment.

Ups and Downs come together and separately.
But now you have learnt something new about yourself
You cannot naively reach out to grab every good fortune or luck that comes your way.
You know the consequences of greed.

You know your limits.

You played the game for a while,
  and learnt you really don't need to have it all.  

Your mental boundaries are now a life vest . 

I mean what good is a gift if it will eventually drown you?

That's why I haven't been writing as much...

I am figuring out how to bloom

I am figuring out how to thrive 

I  have reached the 'much has been given' level
and I am learning the' wisdom' bit on the job

I walk around now asking God,  'How?"

"How do I manage this?"

"How do I leverage this?"

"How do I enjoy this?"

"How do I not forget this?"

"How do I live with this?"

"How do I take care of my self amongst all this?"

I am still gathering the answers 

And life is doing what God told it to do

Life is happening!

(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose )

I was inspired by this Carrie Hope Fletcher's You Tube Video. I hope to one day be as endearing  yet succinct when I converse with people.

 Every time I watch her videos, I feel like she's an old friend sitting down to have a good honest sincere chat with me about life and things...

So she came up with a list of prompts for content creation in May, and I wanted to join and make something....not  a video but maybe some blog posts..right? I am late to the party though.... as its already 27th  May. So I decided I would just write a line for each word prompt and make it all one loooooong random blog post. 

So here you go, here's to the month of  May!

Running: 

I really don't know how people can keep up a daily running schedule without getting bored. I commend you if you are one of those people.  I need that kind of commitment to exercise in  my life. Share your secrets with  us , we get bored of the same exercise after just two months...smh

Stars: 

I never got the chance to study astronomy in school, and  I feel like I missed out. Seems I have been living in this bubble that consists only of earth. I hope to change this soon & learn more about our galaxy & universe. As much information as is available I guess...

Doughnut: 

Jam filled doughnuts heated in the micro wave for 10 seconds can cure a negative thought spiral. Trust me on this.

Red lips:

 The right red lipstick can do wonders for your confidence.
My newest color is called Milani's 'amour' mwaaaaa!

Eggs: 

Scrambled eggs with butter and milk is they the best way to go

Weight: 

It's funny how people  who don't usually talk to you,
feel the sudden urge to speak to you when you gain weight...
Almost like you have done something illegal...

Salty:

 Listen to Be Careful by Cardi B

Pranking: 

Last time I saw a good prank I was a child. 

Umbrella:
I always have one in my bag, a habit I picked up from all my years in England.

Bodies:
 Listen to Unpretty by TLC

Sunflowers:
These yellow things always cheer me up when I go upcountry.

Storms:
"Power is not given to you, You have to take it." ~ Beyonce

Little:
Sometimes people treat me like I don't matter, then I look in the mirror and remember I am a full grown woman, and I know that I must  be prepared to  use my voice when necessary.

Curtains:
I love a good musical. Why curtains reminded me of that I don't know!?!

Black & White:
  Go watch the movie Pleasantville staring Reese Witherspoon and Toby Magwire .

Conscious:
Lately, my anxiety tends to  leave me lost in a tornado of thoughts.
I say a tornado because I feel like I have no control.
I am still finding my way...

Luck:
 Is it luck, or is it fate? Sometimes I am never quite so sure.

Sparkle:
 Everybody needs a cup that has sparkle on it, to remind  them that  their inner light can never be dimmed...or maybe  just to enjoy staring at shinny things...

Myself:
"I am gonna keep running cause a winner don't quit on themselves." ~ Beyonce

Mundane:
Lord knows my body fights against  the Mundane by refusing to get up on time...lol..

Space:
So I was advised recently to get my own space, and the truth is I do need too.
So I am hunting for my own space.
If I am honest  I would like a new beginning.
 I am ready to move on...

Bloom:
 Where ever one is planted. learning to survive and thrive is important in this life.

Kindness:
Something that we all need yet some people think it's a weakness

Letters:
My mum loved to write letters, she would sit on the dinning table in the afternoon with her notepad and write. I loved to stick the stamps on the envelopes when she was done.

Moon:
In some places when a women's period has started,
they say the 'Moon' has come...how interesting is that?

Jekyll & Hyde:
 Some people are actually a slightly toned version of this in our workplaces. Jesus Mary and Joseph help us.

Circles:
Go listen to Circles- Tamar Braxton

Chaos:
As Little finger said on Game Of Thrones, "chaos is a ladder."

Praise:
"Praise him Praaaise him, Praaaaaaaaaaise him in morning, Praaaaaaise him in the evening Praise him Praise him. Praise him when the sun goes down"~ Every Mum and Aunty I know loves to sing this hymn while looking round the house for work they are going give me to do....

Apologies:
Some people love to receive these, and yet are terrible at giving them. The irony!?!

Hope:
I sometimes curse my self for having hope that even in the most darkest ,most hopeless moments in my life will stubbornly flicker.... maybe i shall write a little blog post about this....maybe not...


Alright...I guess that's all...until the next post. 

I wanted to write from a sad dark disrespectful place,

because it is easy for me.

Second nature.

But God said, "No, please don't write from there."

I had forgotten once again, 

 even though we (God & I) have  been on this self -love journey for a long while.

You see I was starting to believe two hurt fools.

 They keep projecting their sense of worthlessness onto me.

Drumming , Drumming & Drumming... 

I have this talent, I can mentally self-flagellate excellently. 

Most likely because I am a Catholic.

When someone starts to beat me down, I instinctively join them.

I help them choose the stick, the chains, the knife and the mean words. 

No questions asked.

No doubt in  my mind that I deserve to be taken down.

"It MUST be me," my mind with automatically say

"I must be the problem."

So I had the pen in my hand,

 and the paper, ready for the first draft.

I saved the title on Blogger in the drafts' section

I didn't want to not write about this...

But God said to me 

"I told you NO!

Don't ...please don't  write from there."

Number 1. 

I am scared ALL the time.

 Like all the time. 

Like every second. 

Like there is NO peace . 

Like  even when I am sleeping I am SCARED.  

It feels like a Game of Thrones episode in my body. 

What the h*** is going on inside of me?

No one prepared me properly for this. 

Number 2. 

I don't understand the language needed to navigate this world.

Why do people assume this stuff comes naturally?

I want to be stubborn & stop the whole process because I can't control it.

I am tongue-tied all the time.

Like ALL the time.

I re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

everything!

 I delete messages, scold myself and start typing again.

It is a perpetual loop of digital doom.

But what baffles me is the amount of courage it requires for me to click 'SEND'...

Hours.

Yes hours not minutes. 

Hours of me talking myself into clicking send.

As if clicking will trigger world war three...

There are world leaders making crucial decisions at important global summits; 

decisions that will impact generations to come.

And I can't seem to send a mere "Hi, How are you?" message to my Intended.  

What demon is this!?!?

I am a grown women yet... 

I don't know how to say what I feel or ask for what I need. 

Number 3. 

This kind of fear

...It's exhausting... 

Jesus, Mary and Joseph pray for us.