I moved to Zambia for career growth mostly, but really to gain a different perspective.

I needed some uncertainty to challenge and propel me to make positive life changes.  A very tame down version of Yes theory and the Seek Discomfort challenges but non the less a bold action for me to take in 2021. 

From the beginning of my stay in Zambia, there were great colleagues who created an expat community and welcomed me into it. There were many dinners, meet ups and BBQs (Something I hope to take with me to Italy). There were always laughs, information sharing and companionship; I never once felt lonely.  

However I went from "Yes, let's do this!"  to "What am I doing?" 

many times throughout the year.... 

• When I was in transit and got to Addis Ababa airport and my flight said Harare and not Lusaka
• When I realized I would have to pay double what I budgeted for in rent
• When I realized how expensive things were
• When I realized my workload made it difficult for  me to keep up with my  masters studies
• When the hot water pipe burst in the bathroom at 3.00am  and I thought a bomb had gone off
• When it took a while to find a good hair salon

 I had to adapt to a new office culture and learn how to work within my new  team. It was like finding my voice and purpose again.  I wrote about some bullying that took place mid year here.   Digging deep within to keep going during that time was needed,  luckily I had previous experiences and a supportive friend with a sincere listening ear.   

The things I will miss most

• My lovely home with big screen TVs, a washing machine and a teeny-tiny pool(for the super hot days!). Btw...my home was on the cheaper end in the  area I choose to live in. 
• My friendship circle and our gatherings. I went bowling for the first time in many many years. Special mention of Latitude, Cantina, Prime Joint, Arirang Korean Restaurant, JCS Food and Indian Fusion for all the lovely lunches and  dinners. 
• My 15 minute walk to work and to the supermarket.
• Mini local adventures with Kathrine, Suraj and Maya
• Ulendo Eats mostly 3 trees, Mint Active and Eataly   were my picks for takeaways. 
• Ulendo and Yango taxis.... there were no Boda Bodas carrying humans in Lusaka and I didn't want to buy a car so this app was very convenient. 
• Nandos! (Why did you leave East Africa? I miss you already.) 
• Weekend Food markets for all the ribs, lemonade, cup cakes, cookies and biryani that I enjoyed. 
• African Butterfly Trio Dip....so addictive!
• Our honorary YES Unit, my colleagues have a fantastic sense of humor.
• Getting my nails done ...I had some serious nail game in 2022!
• Sitting in an arm chair in my bedroom drinking  my first cup of coffee of the day and watching a #kdrama or #cdrama on a Saturday morning...

It is the month of love. 

I hardly ever write on theme but for once I am on time and intend to contribute to this conversation.

My word for 2022 was 'heartbreak'. 

Both old and new; the wounds were seeping.

Unfortunately, in this world of innovations and AI,

 I couldn't make my way to the nearest  pharmacy and buy a self-medicated pill to fix it.

Why isn't there an antibiotic to clear emotional trauma yet?

Reluctantly accepting being disappointed by Number One, 

and the other significant two that followed was the only way to go. 

I had often pondered whether I was too impatient, but Number One returned to my life and in his alcoholic-abusive-confused-state confirmed very clearly that he was the problem not me.

My fault was that I allowed it until my big brother Paul said "WTF?...No!"

He told me I was worth more. I knew I had to listen because

Paul and I never have such conversations.

That was the trigger for everything I had been holding in.

In this new year I just want healing. Come what may... I just want a healed heart.

My intention is set and I have informed God about it. 

I am devoted to this mission.

This weekend, bored of Netflix and you tube I decided to finally read a book my dear friend from University had mailed me years ago. As fate would have it, I packed it in my suitcase when coming to Zambia.

All About Love by Bell Hooks......and deep...deep....exhale. .. There are so many layers to this book. It is a journey not a quick read. I know there  will be many days of reflection and correction, possibly a lot of re-reading, highlighting and note-taking.

"Everyone assumes that we will know  how to love instinctively. Despite overwhelming evidence to that contrary, we still accept that family is the primary school for love."

I knew nothing!

"Most psychologically and /or physically abused children have been taught by parenting adults that love can coexist with abuse"

I am one of those! According to Bell Hooks many of us are.

"I got what I was accustomed to getting-care and affection, usually mingled with a degree of unkind-ness, neglect and on some occasions outright cruelty." 

My whole dating life!

"Estrangement from feelings makes it easier for men to lie because they are often in a trance state, utilizing survival strategies of asserting Manhood that they learned as boys. This inability to connect with others carries with it an inability to assume responsibility for causing pain."

Not just romantic relationships and but all types of relationships with men. 

"The wounded heart learns self love by first overcoming low self esteem." 

I wrote once that my mum had a big heart and so much love yet she never received that love back. In my childhood I watched her receiving the opposite and felt helpless to change anything. This book made me  wish she was taught to love herself the same way she loved those dear to her.

She REALLY  deserved so much more.

Bell Hooks' book says all the kind things I wish we all could have said to her before she died.

Now I am the one listening to those kind words. 

  I hope I make progress. 

Have you read the book? Are you on a journey too? In the comment section write your thoughts

Let's tell the truth as Bell Hooks so elegantly wrote.