I was inspired by this Carrie Hope Fletcher's You Tube Video. I hope to one day be as endearing  yet succinct when I converse with people.

 Every time I watch her videos, I feel like she's an old friend sitting down to have a good honest sincere chat with me about life and things...

So she came up with a list of prompts for content creation in May, and I wanted to join and make something....not  a video but maybe some blog posts..right? I am late to the party though.... as its already 27th  May. So I decided I would just write a line for each word prompt and make it all one loooooong random blog post. 

So here you go, here's to the month of  May!

Running: 

I really don't know how people can keep up a daily running schedule without getting bored. I commend you if you are one of those people.  I need that kind of commitment to exercise in  my life. Share your secrets with  us , we get bored of the same exercise after just two months...smh

Stars: 

I never got the chance to study astronomy in school, and  I feel like I missed out. Seems I have been living in this bubble that consists only of earth. I hope to change this soon & learn more about our galaxy & universe. As much information as is available I guess...

Doughnut: 

Jam filled doughnuts heated in the micro wave for 10 seconds can cure a negative thought spiral. Trust me on this.

Red lips:

 The right red lipstick can do wonders for your confidence.
My newest color is called Milani's 'amour' mwaaaaa!

Eggs: 

Scrambled eggs with butter and milk is they the best way to go

Weight: 

It's funny how people  who don't usually talk to you,
feel the sudden urge to speak to you when you gain weight...
Almost like you have done something illegal...

Salty:

 Listen to Be Careful by Cardi B

Pranking: 

Last time I saw a good prank I was a child. 

Umbrella:
I always have one in my bag, a habit I picked up from all my years in England.

Bodies:
 Listen to Unpretty by TLC

Sunflowers:
These yellow things always cheer me up when I go upcountry.

Storms:
"Power is not given to you, You have to take it." ~ Beyonce

Little:
Sometimes people treat me like I don't matter, then I look in the mirror and remember I am a full grown woman, and I know that I must  be prepared to  use my voice when necessary.

Curtains:
I love a good musical. Why curtains reminded me of that I don't know!?!

Black & White:
  Go watch the movie Pleasantville staring Reese Witherspoon and Toby Magwire .

Conscious:
Lately, my anxiety tends to  leave me lost in a tornado of thoughts.
I say a tornado because I feel like I have no control.
I am still finding my way...

Luck:
 Is it luck, or is it fate? Sometimes I am never quite so sure.

Sparkle:
 Everybody needs a cup that has sparkle on it, to remind  them that  their inner light can never be dimmed...or maybe  just to enjoy staring at shinny things...

Myself:
"I am gonna keep running cause a winner don't quit on themselves." ~ Beyonce

Mundane:
Lord knows my body fights against  the Mundane by refusing to get up on time...lol..

Space:
So I was advised recently to get my own space, and the truth is I do need too.
So I am hunting for my own space.
If I am honest  I would like a new beginning.
 I am ready to move on...

Bloom:
 Where ever one is planted. learning to survive and thrive is important in this life.

Kindness:
Something that we all need yet some people think it's a weakness

Letters:
My mum loved to write letters, she would sit on the dinning table in the afternoon with her notepad and write. I loved to stick the stamps on the envelopes when she was done.

Moon:
In some places when a women's period has started,
they say the 'Moon' has come...how interesting is that?

Jekyll & Hyde:
 Some people are actually a slightly toned version of this in our workplaces. Jesus Mary and Joseph help us.

Circles:
Go listen to Circles- Tamar Braxton

Chaos:
As Little finger said on Game Of Thrones, "chaos is a ladder."

Praise:
"Praise him Praaaise him, Praaaaaaaaaaise him in morning, Praaaaaaise him in the evening Praise him Praise him. Praise him when the sun goes down"~ Every Mum and Aunty I know loves to sing this hymn while looking round the house for work they are going give me to do....

Apologies:
Some people love to receive these, and yet are terrible at giving them. The irony!?!

Hope:
I sometimes curse my self for having hope that even in the most darkest ,most hopeless moments in my life will stubbornly flicker.... maybe i shall write a little blog post about this....maybe not...


Alright...I guess that's all...until the next post. 

I wanted to write from a sad dark disrespectful place,

because it is easy for me.

Second nature.

But God said, "No, please don't write from there."

I had forgotten once again, 

 even though we (God & I) have  been on this self -love journey for a long while.

You see I was starting to believe two hurt fools.

 They keep projecting their sense of worthlessness onto me.

Drumming , Drumming & Drumming... 

I have this talent, I can mentally self-flagellate excellently. 

Most likely because I am a Catholic.

When someone starts to beat me down, I instinctively join them.

I help them choose the stick, the chains, the knife and the mean words. 

No questions asked.

No doubt in  my mind that I deserve to be taken down.

"It MUST be me," my mind with automatically say

"I must be the problem."

So I had the pen in my hand,

 and the paper, ready for the first draft.

I saved the title on Blogger in the drafts' section

I didn't want to not write about this...

But God said to me 

"I told you NO!

Don't ...please don't  write from there."

Number 1. 

I am scared ALL the time.

 Like all the time. 

Like every second. 

Like there is NO peace . 

Like  even when I am sleeping I am SCARED.  

It feels like a Game of Thrones episode in my body. 

What the h*** is going on inside of me?

No one prepared me properly for this. 

Number 2. 

I don't understand the language needed to navigate this world.

Why do people assume this stuff comes naturally?

I want to be stubborn & stop the whole process because I can't control it.

I am tongue-tied all the time.

Like ALL the time.

I re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

everything!

 I delete messages, scold myself and start typing again.

It is a perpetual loop of digital doom.

But what baffles me is the amount of courage it requires for me to click 'SEND'...

Hours.

Yes hours not minutes. 

Hours of me talking myself into clicking send.

As if clicking will trigger world war three...

There are world leaders making crucial decisions at important global summits; 

decisions that will impact generations to come.

And I can't seem to send a mere "Hi, How are you?" message to my Intended.  

What demon is this!?!?

I am a grown women yet... 

I don't know how to say what I feel or ask for what I need. 

Number 3. 

This kind of fear

...It's exhausting... 

Jesus, Mary and Joseph pray for us.

Making:  Time to pray the rosary. I must confess the concentration span & dedication required to recite it is a deterrent to me, most especially when the mind is tired, preoccupied & weak.  Yet a surprising, but timely invitation from a colleague for a daily lunch time rosary dedication during the time of lent came. I have been hit by bouts of anxiety again. Certain people with consistent temper fits & mood swings are contributing to these negative spells , and this  quiet time amongst other fellow believers is a much needed daily retreat.  I had forgotten about the consistent cloak of peace that descends upon the troubled mind within the first five minutes of prayer .Some how I found myself praying for those causing me angst and seeing God work in their lives... 

Drinking: Everything in my new red glitter Starbucks cup, birthday gift from my big brother. Cue Pharrell' William's Happy Song

Reading: Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, I can't put this book down. By the way , she was born in 1993. Take a deep breath...yes take a deep breath. Drink some water. Now go and wonder what you were doing when you were 25 years...

Playing: I don't play mind games but it seems many people do.

Wishing: Strength & change. I need the strength to make some changes. 

Enjoying: Iz harris' You Tube Chanel.  If you like good authentic visual storytelling . Go watch her videos and thank me later. She is inspiring me daily to improve my skills. 

Writing: My muse has temporary avoidant attachment style, we can't seem to get ourselves together... but we will eventually..I am enjoying this break though. I am enjoying just reading for the sake of reading.

Loving: My Harry Potter bookmarks. Another birthday present from my big brother. The revived nine year old girl in me was thrilled to receive them...I  guess once you are a Harry Potter fan...then always a Harry Potter Fan! Even if I feel J.K Rowling is ruining her legacy with the Fantastic Beast Movie Series...it is just unnatural for her to have so many plot holes and hollow characters in a story.  I will still watch all of them though. 

Eating: red chicken thighs and spicy rice , guess from where?

Needing: A spa day, and thanks to my friend Kullein, I am booked for Easter Monday!

Wearing: All my lipsticks are actually getting finished...I am going on a lipstick shopping spree soon. My make up phase is not a phase anymore...
Also I  am really trying new hair this year. Thanks to my sister in law...2019 is all about bringing the fire!

Knowing: That I need to get comfortable speaking my mind and asking for what I want. 

Thinking:  Change. Can I manage change? Yet it all needs to happen. It is time.

Giggling Over: I may actually write about John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....That book is not a gimmick, it's game changing wisdom. I am giggling in surprise...