Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts
Dear Queen,
It's been a long while.
Not sure if this letter-writing-thing will become a regular activity again,
but I just wanted to say well done for unintendedly discovering yourself once more.
Isn't that the funniest thing about getting older?
You can still surprise yourself.
Who knew that a peaceful internal revolution and transformation could be triggered by
simply having control over one's own physical space?
You woke up early in the morning and started your weekend by cleaning.
No one forced you too.
You set your mind to it.
You were halfway through mopping the floor with a divinely Lavender scented soap,
when it dawned on you that you were having fun chugging back and forth across the slippery surface while loudly singing along to Tiwa Savage's and Davido's Park Well song.
What!?
Enjoying doing chores!? Your mother is laughing in heaven.
The awkward teenage who avoided such responsibilities...
Eh....times have really changed.
Intrinsic actions like organizing your desk, your cupboard, your bedside table give you joy.
Quiet joy.
Quiet joy effortlessly emanating from your heart.
It started slowly.
You sat down to go through your jewelry and accessory boxes
You put your earrings here.
You put your necklaces there.
And on and on till everything had it's place.
The old and discolored were finally thrown out.
A chore became a metaphor of what you were doing with your whole life.
Simple inconsequential activities help boost your self-confidence.
You got to decide, on your own, by yourself.
Imagine such facile daily actions helping get you back on track!?
Sooooo satisfying to the soul.
Your mind is clear like a polished quartz crystal.
Queen, feel some secret pride in yourself for flourishing at this adulting aspect,
because it is encouraging you to pause,
in a world that often doesn't like it when you hesitate.
Take this time to pause and reflect.
You are still attempting to tackle your habit of constantly sacrificing yourself.
So yes ....pause and reflect cause
you can't save everyone.
Still endeavoring to create physical and mental boundaries?
Yes....pause and reflect.
Let people handle their own disappointment.
They will be fine.
Wow....growing pains are a very real thing,
not so perfectly experienced like in the popular coming-of-age-movies .
Once again well done Queen!
Let's celebrate the wins while we can.
I am observing and appreciating this time in your life.
That's why I wrote today.
In the future I will come here and read this again,
So I that I can remember to cheer you on.
Until next time
All my love,
M
 |
| Jinja, Source of Nile, Uganda |
2019 you were a tough but a much needed defining year for me .
You are the building of the steady foundation for what is to come.
You have assured me that I am ready to take many adulting steps in the next few years.
2009 to 2019, you've been a monumental decade for me too!
The last ten years have taught me about people,
and the importance of all the different types of relationships in my life.
Life has really engaged and challenged me.
This decade made me realize that my parents were my first loves,
and theirs was the only approval that I ever needed.
I am extremely grateful that I was there near the end of their lives
And that I got to take care of them,
and show them how much I love and cherish them always.
My siblings will continue to be my biggest supporters and critics,
Those bonds can't be broken.
My friendships require just as much work as any relationship.
Where would I be without the ladies that make me a better woman?
Career-wise, I have worked hard, courtesy of my parent's teachings,
I remember my dad accusing me of being a workaholic once,
And I cheekily told him, " I learnt it from you".
As much I have worked,
I find joy in building my skill set.
I can't say it enough on this blog but I love creating.
This decade I have made videos, taken photos, blogged and painted!
Activities I thought would be banished to my childhood forever.
God has been persistently reminding me not to be a Debby Downer, I must thrive fantastically too.
This year I lost my beloved Dad
and the way my colleagues and friends rallied around me and my siblings,
left me speechless,
I was surprised and touched by their support.
People...
this decade was about me navigating and appreciating people and relationships
I need my people.
Even though sometimes I want to hide in a forest as a hermit,
and avoid all interactions...
I need my people.
But also...
my people need me.
So goodbye 2019
Here's to 2020!!
Some people will not understand until you crush them.
Some people will not behave until you crush them.
Some people don't understand any other language but being unmercifully crushed.
So that is what we will do Dad,
we will crush them.
They don't know that you taught us how to be cold.
Not trusting my gut when it comes to people.
That is the behavior that needed to change in me. I am learning to do this a lot more.
For the last few years I have not trusted my natural instinct. I have not trusted myself. When my gut told me that someone was really NOT good for me, I ignored my internal voice if everyone around me liked that person.
That is the behavior that needed to change in me. I am learning to do this a lot more.
For the last few years I have not trusted my natural instinct. I have not trusted myself. When my gut told me that someone was really NOT good for me, I ignored my internal voice if everyone around me liked that person.
Then one day, a colleague had the sense to tell me
about myself. I really needed that conversation because, every
moment of every day I was doubting myself and my ability to get things done. I
was scared all the time. I had gotten so used to being scared that I just accepted
fear as a constant companion. I lost my ability to be assertive, all because I let
a bunch of people get to me. I was hoping and praying that I could mold
myself into something different. Someone who fitted in more easily. I think
God knew I needed that particular conversation. I really think God saw that I
was struggling with myself and he said,
“ Wait a minute young lady, I don’t make mistakes, I made you for a purpose sweetheart. I know what I am doing. Trust me”
God spoke through this person. As I mentioned earlier, my colleague firmly told me about myself. This person insisted that I stop
hiding in the background and be myself. They told me that I was doing a good job
and that I needed to show more confidence in myself. That person basically gave me
back to myself through that conversation ( a real Oprah aha moment).
One valuable extra piece of advice they gave me,
“Stop panicking!”
I used to panic because I doubted my ability to handle the
situation. When I forced myself to stop being so anxious, I started to change. I
accepted that I can only give my 100% and leave the rest to God. I now trust
God to do what I have asked. I trust that God has my back. I learnt to trust myself and know that I can
handle the situation. God does listen and respond. It’s a relationship. It’s a
friendship for which I am grateful. All those private anxious thoughts I had, I had no
idea he was watching and listening. It’s
probably the reason I have gained weight, I can relax a little. I can have fun.
I am comfortable with myself.
I trust my gut, if it tells me someone is not good for me. I
trust it. People show you who they are eventually, trust God when he says it’s
not for you.
Dear Queen,
I saw this posted on facebook by Elizabeth Gilbert and I had
to write to you(myself) again.
For a while now I have been privately reflecting on my
voice.
What is my voice?
All those internal conversations while driving home in the
evening traffic have been filled with that question.
What is my voice?
Even those last minute conversations with God before I fall
asleep are filled with that question.
What is my voice?
What would I tell you about our voice if I met you? What was my voice like before? How has it
changed? How have we changed our voice by the circumstances of our life? Did we
ever have a voice?
This whole writing thing forces you to look within. It
really forces you to search within yourself. No one told me how much of writing
whether fiction or non-fiction requires one to pull out pieces of themselves.
Maybe I underestimated the depth of it. I am glad I did not dwell on it so much
in the beginning. I would have been too scared to write. Now here I am looking for pieces of myself to
leave in my stories to make them human.
What is my voice?
I don’t have a clear distinct voice.
I really don’t think I have one yet.
I know who I am supposed to be.
I know what I need to achieve.
I know people’s expectations of me.
But if you ask me who I am…. well we’d need to refer to God
for the answer…
You know what is so funny about this? I am not upset about it.
I am actually glad I can be at a place where I can separate the difference
between what I am supposed to do and who I am. I have space to choose. I can
navigate a bit better instead of hoping it all comes together the way it’s
supposed too. Isn’t that maturity?
Yes, I like this.
That was a little taste of my voice for you. Some confidence
and trust in my ability to handle uncertainty.
We have come a long way my dear.
Let’s keep growing.
Let’s enjoy this next phase of finding our voice. I like what the picture above says...I will catch myself.
Until I write again.
All the best,
Me.
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