Dear God,

This week I learnt a few things…

I experienced some negativity from someone last week.  You advised me to sit still; “Don’t  react!” you said. I thought you were crazy! But okay, you’ve been around, and you do know your people, so I did what you asked me to do.  To my dropped jaw surprise, within five minutes the person tried to make up for their behavior. Now I know you did not control their reactions, but your advice saved me from judging someone harshly. They were under pressure; a bad reaction from me would have made it worse. Thank you. I will listen to you more often. Clearly you know what you are doing.

On the subject of my my internal thought process….. I do. Yes I openly admit I do expect the worst.  The conversations I have in my head need to be disinfected  with a good cleaner. They are a defense mechanism. They help me prepare for the worst.  I learnt this from the book I am current reading called  Daring Greatly.  What it says is true. In the moment we humans experience joy, our next thought is something bad will happen. I am one of those people that believe that doom and gloom is out there somewhere waiting to pounce on me. We usually say “The Devil is at work…..” I can’t experience a happy moment without looking over my back. I need to stop doing this. If I am going to trust you, then I have to try and stop doing this.  I can’t stop the bad things from happening, but maybe I need to trust that am old enough to know how to deal with them the best way I can? What do you think? I shall wait for your  wisdom.

And thirdly, I am so surprised at the ways you use to communicate. Why am I surprised though? Creativity came from you! I mean you are the ultimate. Seriously, Let’s continue. I made a commitment which it seems you heard, and you made one too. 

Once again thank you for my lessons.

I can’t wait for the next letter.

Maria

#HappilyFlawed

Dear Queen (Queeny to be more affectionate).

You knew you were a woman the day you realized that running from your marriage was not an option for you.

 It would always catch up with you and running is not brave or difficult, it would be the easy escape. It would always catch up because it´s not about him, it´s about the dynamic you seek and cultivate in your relationships – not just with men but with friends and family too. It can be slightly egotistical – let´s be honest Queeny – you like to be at the centre so it´s convenient taking responsibility so that the focus is on you. 

But, how can running be easy? Imagine the heartbreak, the shame of having given up, the public explanations of why. Running is easy because when you run, you decide that imperfect isn´t enough. Running avoids the realization that you Queeny are not perfect and neither is he but that love is the accepting of the imperfections.  Imagine that, you don’t have to be right and you don´t have to be the best person, be it the most intelligent, the most hard working and moral woman Edinburgh produced; because there are no comparisons. 

Everyone is just living a different context – a different truth. Judging and being unsatisfied; those are your crutches. 

How can we satisfy you Queeny? 

You know I´ve been thinking...perhaps it´s about the pause. The being. The here. The now. The joy. The satisfaction. Maybe we should stop setting the goals and just BE. “Enjoy the journey” as they say. Dig deeper, pick up that relationship with God. I recommend that you continue surrounding yourself with incredible women who inspire you and who fill you with that powerful energy which flows with every beat of your heart.

Relationships are important to you – embrace that – smile to yourself remembering the truth that you are a woman of courage and hope, who loves the world and cares greatly for the people in it. 

When you moved – moving far from friends, family, jobs, and familiar locations – you started with two suitcases and all 28 years of experiences, love and self. What you have built these past two years has needed you to reach deep inside of yourself and very gently pry open you´re core. You´ve grown as a woman and opened your eyes to see yourself more clearly and in seeing yourself you can see the world. This is your mission, to understand the world, to be kind to the world, to be compassionate to the world; by first being understanding, kind and compassionate to yourself. Being loved so unconditionally, and making that journey with this man from stranger – friend – lover – partner – wife has had such a profound impact because, as you learn to understand someone else, it has set the scene for your own searching.

Thank you for realizing how thankful you are for unconditional love. That someone can love the whole of you – the bare truths – means that you are really not so bad after all. Did you hear that Queeny? You really aren’t a bad person, you don’t have anything to prove. This is your chance to free yourself of this burden – I suspect it has weighed you down in the past.  You don’t have to prove to anyone that you are a good person and so stop trying to be invaluable and responsible for anything other than your own beautiful self. 

Believe that you are beautiful – know that your healing has served you well to understand yourself but that knowing yourself is about accepting this self of yours. So now all that’s left is for me to wish you courage as you continue your journey. Be brave,be kind. Continuing being and continue finding joy in that being. You alone are enough.

Thankfully,

Rebecca 

Rebecca Gindele has worked with various development and human rights NGOs, she has a master´s degree in Human Rights with a focus on international monitoring and implementation mechanisms for women´s rights and has studied conflict resolution. She is very happily married, currently living in Colombia and enjoying working on local peace building projects.

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