Reading Dr. Gray's Words

Today, between 14.00 and 14.25  I wrote 200 self-wounding words.

I am an expert in mentally kicking myself when I am down.

 Thankfully, I stopped myself, put the laptop on snooze, and took a walk.

Fresh green pollenated air cleared my negative cloud.

The world was grey and the ground wet from the lunch time rain storm.

I just focused on plopping one foot in front of the other....

When I struggle with my relationship

 I try to always remember 

Dr. John's Gray's words in this book

 They heal me every time I read them.

I feel like a little girl being hugged by my mother after a dreadful day.

"Setting limits and receiving are very scary for women."

"Rejection, judgement and abandonment are mostly painful because deep in her unconsciousness she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more."

"They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving.

They hope that by giving they would become worthy."

I thought the older I got...

 the more I worked on myself...

 these anxiety lead thinking spirals would reduce,

then disappear.

I thought things would naturally fix themselves.

I would meet someone and we would fit. 

Things would just work like in the movies.

But I find myself in a frustrating loop again.

which makes me upset.

So I want to kick and keep myself down.

During such times,

I go to this familiar friend of a book,

And I read. 

I seek advice from Dr. Gray

I used to blame the ones before.

Though it's now clear I played my role too.

I need tools.

I need guidance.

So back to the book I go...

My inner work is not finished.

I take a deep breath,

and push myself forward.

Internal heart rehabilitation.

"The solution to this resentment is for her to take responsibility. She needs to take responsibility for having contributed to her problem by giving more and letting the score get so uneven. She needs to treat herself as if she has the flu or a cold and take a rest from giving so much in the relationship....Remember that a man looks for cues telling him when and how to give more. He waits to be asked."

"To keep the score even in a relationship, a man really doesn't require anything but love. Women don't realize the power of their love and many times unnecessarily seek to earn a man's love by doing more things for him than they want to do."

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