Last night as I lay in bed contemplating this third decade in my life.

I thought of my friend,  ' Memory of All Rejections '

A constant companion from childhood.

Right from that very day, during morning break at nursery, I had just finished my yummy biscuits with my hot chocolate, then I wondered to the seesaw and when I asked them if I could play,  they sneered and sent me away.

And because some moments of rejection in my life don't have logical explanations, my friend and I will come to a common  irrational conclusion that  'i'm not good enough.' because during  internal one -sided conversations of the mind all is plausible.

In fact my friend wears a t-shirt with  'Not good enough' printed on the front, least I ever forget why people may have left

Not pretty enough.

Not clever enough.

Not funny enough.

Not smart enough

Not cultured enough

Not organized enough

Not friendly enough

Not brave enough

Not daring enough

Not much of anything really.

My friend takes every one of those moments when someone told me or treated me as though I was nothing and  he molds and folds them  all together.  No matter how unique each situation is, he molds and folds them ALL together then stores them in his suitcase

He also carries around some sachets of a magic dust called 'Doubt'

On any occasion, when I feel as though a good opportunity has been placed before me

Rejection opens his suitcase pulls out the play dough that has noticeably gotten bigger and bigger over the years, and he  floods my mind with all the times we concluded that I wasn't good enough

Then when he's done flooding my head with ALL those memories, he sprinkles some shiny black glittery doubt on top of my head, just to ensure if there ever was any seed of hope in me that might, just might blossom into a 'You did it!', that sprinkle of dust makes it very clear 'you can't and you never will.'

And sometimes before I  have even stepped forward to achieve anything... because of ALL those thoughts, I am already done.

I am tired. Just tired.

Valentine's Day rolls around and I  hear, watch and see the most hateful comments circulating around social media  and the radio, which is incredibly ironic considering the very reason we have St.Valentine's day is because ....

"According to legend, the Roman physician and priest was beaten, stoned, and beheaded for the crimes of marrying Christian couples ... and possibly attempting to convert Emperor Claudius II. Thanks to the marital angle of his story, Valentine became the patron saint of love, young people, and marriages (and also of plague, epilepsy, and beekeepers)." ~ Business Insider

For some reason, I may be melodramatic but some men take it to an unnecessary level. They take  theirs and their peers' negative experiences and dump it on the next women in their life.

The last person I was dating became a totally different person the week before Valentines Day. He stopped talking to me,and spent all his time avoiding me as though I'd pursued him. The special day happened to fall on a  Friday and my friends had a habit of always meeting on Friday, so I left him where he was and went to spend Valentine's day with the people who loved me. Around 5.00pm he called me to ask where I was and one of my friends told me 'invite him'. He arrived to join our group looking extremely sheepish. I decided to let it be because I wanted to enjoy my day. When I returned home,  I found single beautiful rose waiting for me from my Father. The contrasting treatment was so evident . I realized I had to listen to my friends' advice, "this guy is not for you'.

During our very short courtship, we actually causally discussed Valentine's day, in fact what I specifically remember him saying a week before the day was,

 "Why should I be romantic on Valentine's day when I can be romantic on any day?" 

And the first thoughts that came to my mind were...

• When was the last time you were romantic? 

• You've been grumpy for the last four weeks. 

• Isn't it a day for both parties in the relationship to provide romantic gestures for each other? 

• Who made it a rule that men are the only givers in relationships?

His harsh attitude and comments made me lose my zest for Valentine's day. I subtly told him how I felt about the day but I didn't stress or ask for what I wanted. I even forgot that it was about celebrating the people you love, not just your romantic partner. A month after that our relationship deteriorated (not just because of Valentine's day though).

As I wrote at the beginning, I am tired of hearing some men drone on and on about  how much they hate Valentine's day. So when the day dawns I turn the radio off on the way to work to avoid listening to negative messages. There are even men I don't speak to that much, who send me random DM's about how they hate the day. Why? Do I look like I will agree?

 Next year I will  full on rebel by sending small tokens of appreciation to the people I care about. Maybe I'll send some grumpy men a  fridge magnet with the words 'Nothing weak about love' on it. You know what? I will make myself a t-shirt and wear it.

For the men who continue to box all women into the category of 'gold diggers' on Valentine's day , Please grow up, get over it !And don't waste my time or anybody else's with your sorry examples of how much men give and give and give. A good woman will always appreciate a good man no matter their social status.

There is nothing wrong with taking time to show the people you love that you love them. Nothing weak about that. Appreciation does not always equal flowers, chocolates, dinner etc.... In fact why don't you be man enough to sit down with your romantic  other and discuss what Valentine's day can mean for the both of you instead of yelling all over social media or any other other platform. Oh and please get out of my DMs too!



P.S: I am taking Valentine's Day back for myself and focusing on all the people I love and who love me.