Last night as I lay in bed contemplating this third decade in my life.
I thought of my friend, ' Memory of All Rejections '
A constant companion from childhood.
Right from that very day, during morning break at nursery, I had just finished my yummy biscuits with my hot chocolate, then I wondered to the seesaw and when I asked them if I could play, they sneered and sent me away.
And because some moments of rejection in my life don't have logical explanations, my friend and I will come to a common irrational conclusion that 'i'm not good enough.' because during internal one -sided conversations of the mind all is plausible.
In fact my friend wears a t-shirt with 'Not good enough' printed on the front, least I ever forget why people may have left
Not pretty enough.
Not clever enough.
Not funny enough.
Not smart enough
Not cultured enough
Not organized enough
Not friendly enough
Not brave enough
Not daring enough
Not much of anything really.
My friend takes every one of those moments when someone told me or treated me as though I was nothing and he molds and folds them all together. No matter how unique each situation is, he molds and folds them ALL together then stores them in his suitcase
He also carries around some sachets of a magic dust called 'Doubt'
On any occasion, when I feel as though a good opportunity has been placed before me
Rejection opens his suitcase pulls out the play dough that has noticeably gotten bigger and bigger over the years, and he floods my mind with all the times we concluded that I wasn't good enough
Then when he's done flooding my head with ALL those memories, he sprinkles some shiny black glittery doubt on top of my head, just to ensure if there ever was any seed of hope in me that might, just might blossom into a 'You did it!', that sprinkle of dust makes it very clear 'you can't and you never will.'
And sometimes before I have even stepped forward to achieve anything... because of ALL those thoughts, I am already done.
Just point me in the direction of this your friend. I'll handle everything from there on. I'll handle him I will.
ReplyDeleteawww...thank you for having my back. It's been one of those day Kullein ....Sorry
Delete