Number 1. 

I am scared ALL the time.

 Like all the time. 

Like every second. 

Like there is NO peace . 

Like  even when I am sleeping I am SCARED.  

It feels like a Game of Thrones episode in my body. 

What the h*** is going on inside of me?

No one prepared me properly for this. 

Number 2. 

I don't understand the language needed to navigate this world.

Why do people assume this stuff comes naturally?

I want to be stubborn & stop the whole process because I can't control it.

I am tongue-tied all the time.

Like ALL the time.

I re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

everything!

 I delete messages, scold myself and start typing again.

It is a perpetual loop of digital doom.

But what baffles me is the amount of courage it requires for me to click 'SEND'...

Hours.

Yes hours not minutes. 

Hours of me talking myself into clicking send.

As if clicking will trigger world war three...

There are world leaders making crucial decisions at important global summits; 

decisions that will impact generations to come.

And I can't seem to send a mere "Hi, How are you?" message to my Intended.  

What demon is this!?!?

I am a grown women yet... 

I don't know how to say what I feel or ask for what I need. 

Number 3. 

This kind of fear

...It's exhausting... 

Jesus, Mary and Joseph pray for us.

Making:  Time to pray the rosary. I must confess the concentration span & dedication required to recite it is a deterrent to me, most especially when the mind is tired, preoccupied & weak.  Yet a surprising, but timely invitation from a colleague for a daily lunch time rosary dedication during the time of lent came. I have been hit by bouts of anxiety again. Certain people with consistent temper fits & mood swings are contributing to these negative spells , and this  quiet time amongst other fellow believers is a much needed daily retreat.  I had forgotten about the consistent cloak of peace that descends upon the troubled mind within the first five minutes of prayer .Some how I found myself praying for those causing me angst and seeing God work in their lives... 

Drinking: Everything in my new red glitter Starbucks cup, birthday gift from my big brother. Cue Pharrell' William's Happy Song

Reading: Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, I can't put this book down. By the way , she was born in 1993. Take a deep breath...yes take a deep breath. Drink some water. Now go and wonder what you were doing when you were 25 years...

Playing: I don't play mind games but it seems many people do.

Wishing: Strength & change. I need the strength to make some changes. 

Enjoying: Iz harris' You Tube Chanel.  If you like good authentic visual storytelling . Go watch her videos and thank me later. She is inspiring me daily to improve my skills. 

Writing: My muse has temporary avoidant attachment style, we can't seem to get ourselves together... but we will eventually..I am enjoying this break though. I am enjoying just reading for the sake of reading.

Loving: My Harry Potter bookmarks. Another birthday present from my big brother. The revived nine year old girl in me was thrilled to receive them...I  guess once you are a Harry Potter fan...then always a Harry Potter Fan! Even if I feel J.K Rowling is ruining her legacy with the Fantastic Beast Movie Series...it is just unnatural for her to have so many plot holes and hollow characters in a story.  I will still watch all of them though. 

Eating: red chicken thighs and spicy rice , guess from where?

Needing: A spa day, and thanks to my friend Kullein, I am booked for Easter Monday!

Wearing: All my lipsticks are actually getting finished...I am going on a lipstick shopping spree soon. My make up phase is not a phase anymore...
Also I  am really trying new hair this year. Thanks to my sister in law...2019 is all about bringing the fire!

Knowing: That I need to get comfortable speaking my mind and asking for what I want. 

Thinking:  Change. Can I manage change? Yet it all needs to happen. It is time.

Giggling Over: I may actually write about John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....That book is not a gimmick, it's game changing wisdom. I am giggling in surprise...