Number 1.
I am scared ALL the time.
Like all the time.
Like every second.
Like there is NO peace .
Like even when I am sleeping I am SCARED.
It feels like a Game of Thrones episode in my body.
What the h*** is going on inside of me?
No one prepared me properly for this.
Number 2.
I don't understand the language needed to navigate this world.
Why do people assume this stuff comes naturally?
I want to be stubborn & stop the whole process because I can't control it.
I am tongue-tied all the time.
Like ALL the time.
I re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
and re-think
everything!
I delete messages, scold myself and start typing again.
It is a perpetual loop of digital doom.
But what baffles me is the amount of courage it requires for me to click 'SEND'...
Hours.
Yes hours not minutes.
Hours of me talking myself into clicking send.
As if clicking will trigger world war three...
There are world leaders making crucial decisions at important global summits;
decisions that will impact generations to come.
And I can't seem to send a mere "Hi, How are you?" message to my Intended.
What demon is this!?!?
I am a grown women yet...
I don't know how to say what I feel or ask for what I need.
Number 3.
This kind of fear
...It's exhausting...
Jesus, Mary and Joseph pray for us.
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