Thursday, 29 June 2017

10 Times My Period Does/Did the Most !

Here is a list of times my menstrual cycle does or has done the most:
  1. SURPRISE!- It can happen. Yes it can happen. You can be sooooo in sync with your cycle that you even have it down to the exact day and time you will start and then your body goes MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....surprise! Your period appears a day early or a day late. Sometimes even  a leap year can throw you off. It's like your cycle holds a team meeting with everyone down there and says. "What have we got planned for this extra day in the year? I need ideas people! we can't just let it pass..." The surprise can also include  a sudden spasm of pain and a mad dash to the toilet at 3am. Even being stuck in a meeting with no accessible exit points does not deter mother nature. It is always that time when your chair is sandwiched between other chairs with VERY important people sitting on them..that's when you get that sinking feeling deep in that special place just below your belly that you've started your monthly period. You can not leave the meeting because that would be rude and awkward. You can only hope and pray that when you get up from this all important meeting there isn't a big red patch on your dress or skirt.  I have been there. Yes many times I have been there. Thank you my dear period for reminding me that the body has it's own schedule and agenda. 🙌🙌🙌
  2. INCREASING YOUR PAIN THRESHOLD - The pain can sometimes show up at the most inappropriate and inconvenient of  times. It can either strike in a WHOLLOPING blow or it can build subtly until one is unable to move. For me the worst is in the middle of a busy work day, and usually a work day when I have to spend majority of my hours at my desk. I will probably have taken multiple pain killers at the recommended hours, and  then I will be forced to wonder if there are any over the counter body numbing tablets, that would help me get my work done pain free. But no that would most definitely require a doctor's visit and doctors don't like it when women whine about their period, because...well it's part of life and you really only have the right to complain if it severely disrupts your daily activities. I got a really bad case of malaria a couple weeks ago that required a stay in the hospital, the Doctor said, " For the kind of malaria you had, you have an incredibly high pain threshold." I said outloud in my head, " If you were a women, you'd understand that, that comes from struggling through painful periods." 😷😷😷
  3. PEOPLE WHO SELL FAKE PADS SHOULD BE PUNISHED - Yes six years ago I discovered fake pads while I was in Kotido, Karamoja in Uganda. Do you even know where that is? Google. Please Google. I need you to understand this one. This was six years ago, when there was only like 3 places of accommodation that NGO workers could safely and  comfortably stay in, and all the shops were made of mud walls and mabati sheets. Somehow I just didn't think to pack emergency pads on this particular field trip. So I ended up treking through the one street of shops in Kotido to find a store that had a pack of Always pads. Low and behold two hours later I discovered that what I had purchased was fake, because within 30 minutes I had leaked through. I was in the middle of a field visit to a school when I realized; it prompted a mad rush to the teachers' latrines and a puzzled side look from the headmaster. 
  4. UNEXPLAINABLE INHUMAN MOOD SWINGS- There will be some periods that come quietly and ( dare I say) delightfully, because you won't even notice or feel that they are there. You can go about your  daily business and the only thing you have to worry about is your personal hygiene. Then there will be THOSE PERIODS, the ones that start way way way before you start bleeding. You can be in your  favorite restaurant having your most favorite meal and suddenly the world will seem like a terribly dark place with no hope. When THOSE PERIODS happen your mood will never match your experience. Someone could gift you $100,000 and you'd be sure to  ask them, "Why are you so cheap?" Nothing is good enough, even your favorite dress and pair of shoes seem drab. People will start to avoid you. This will continue until your hormones move into the next phase of your cycle. We have all been there. many times. 😭😱😦😧
  5. LEAKS- I was in my last years of primary school when I started my period. I was a girl who would require many more years before she understood the magnitude of becoming a woman. I sat for the end of year exams and it just so happened I was on my period that week. This is in the days before Always had pads with wings. If you are woman than you understand that before pads had wings there was an art to sitting down which you learn over time. If you placed the pad on your underwear badly and them spend that day sitting badly well then a leak is bound to happen. That is exactly what happened to me, I was still in my girlish ways, I sat for a two hour exam and when I was done I simple left the main hall and went for tea break with my friends. I didn't check my skirt... all ladies know that after long periods of sitting, you are supposed to cautiously get up and check your skirt. You are supposed to be so good at checking your skirt/ dress/ jeans/trousers that no body should even notice you doing this. It's a skill, a real skill, that at that time I had not yet mastered. Five minutes into the tea break , I turn to see the MEAN GIRL pointing at me, then I realize she is actually pointing at my skirt and low and behold when I look down there are two very distinct drops of blood. Bright Red! She was laughing and grabbing anybody next to her and pointing at my skirt. I was mortified. There were tears, I remember running to the bathroom to change into my sports kit. But I never forgot the horror and embarrassment . 
  6. SAD LOVE SONGS AND CHICK FLICKS- Do I need to explain this one ladies? No I don't think so.  Simply observe the music, movies, TV series and books we tend to watch around that time of the month. Unrequited love is a common theme. 💔💔💔💔
  7. THAT 7 DAY ZIT- Before I discovered shea butter I used to get break outs. It would  always start with one zit that took up space on my face for a whole week. It's goal would be to remind me and other women that it's that time of the month. The zit most likely just appeared out of nowhere! Yes... one can have wonderful skin week and then BAAAAAM! Zit and dehydrated-tired-looking-skin appear.  
  8. ONLY MANDATORY MOVEMENT- this is self explanatory, during that special- woman-time you just don't want go anywhere unless it is mandatory, like for example your job, the hospital, the bank or church. That's about it. Other than that you want to be at home cuddled up in bed with a cozy blanket and pillow watching your favorite series or reading a good book, with your trusted Panadol nearby. Good bye social life! Hello isolation and anti-social behavior. 😴😴😴
  9. ENERGY LEVELS- Does anyone feel extra tired around this time? I do. Comment in the comment section.with how you keep your energy up. I am looking for natural solutions. Do you change your diet? Do you change your sleeping patterns? Do you take extra vitamins? Comment Comment Comment. 
  10. FOOD, GLORIOUS FATTY JUNKY FOOD- I want to eat everything and anything that is not good for me. Pizza, burgers, fried chicken, chips, crisps, milkshakes etc.... Goodbye healthy eating  🍩🍟🍳🍕🍗🍬
Is there anything I have missed? Do comment below with anything I may have...

Friday, 9 June 2017

Dear Queen: He is NOT Cinderella, You are NOT the Prince!?

Dear Queen,

So last year you  wrote an end of year letter to God (remember this one?)  You thanked him for 2016 and made a few requests for  2017. One of those asks was dating. But now after your recent experience you realized you were not specific about what you wanted. If you can be specific in prayers then please do so! Because  look what you dragged into your life…. A Cinderella Man unaware of how much he was consistently crying for help. We shall call him a Cinderella man because through some self made bad choices, chaos has enshrewed upon his household and he REALLY needs a fairy Godmother. Only he doesn't know he needs one, so he is looking for a wife instead.

It started with phone calls, late night whatsapp chats. You were traveling up country for work so you really didn’t have time to go on dates in the beginning. He had to learn to make do with phone calls. At first he sounded mature and hopeful discussing his ideals, his dreams and how happy he was to speak to you. He sounded proud of the fact he was the oldest and therefore the one taking care of his family, he wanted you to know he was a MAN, not only that but a good Ugandan MAN who takes care of his people. He bought you flowers on your birthday and apologized for not being able to do more.  You responded positively, but I am glad you have learned to not only listen, but to also look for actions. Actions speak louder that words, well done for taking notes on that years ago.

Weeks later somehow he subtly changed his 'I am proud to take care of family'  into an unfair burden that he needed a wife to help him handle. He then whatsapped you one night in utter panic, the local council wanted to knock down part of his property. He didn't know whether he'd have a house by the end of the week. He pleaded for your advice, "What should I do?" and sent detailed pictures of white painted Xs making parts of his property that had to go.  You didn't have clue girl! I mean... your most valuable possessions at the moment are your phone and some jewellery. You have yet to change the car into your names.

A week after that incident, He tells you he has blood pressure problems. It is 9pm at night, so you calmly tell him the best thing do would be to go to the doctor. Then the story changes..the doctor is too will cost money to go....he knows how to handle himself. You calmly explain once again to him that blood pressure problems are NOT issues to joke with and seeing a doctor or even going to the hospital is important. You ask him to describe his symptoms, when he does you realize he's describing a panic attack. You hear the urgency in his voice , he wants you to solve the problem. He wants you to jump into your car drive one hour and 30 minutes to his home pick him up and take him to hospital.
A week after the panic attack phone call,  he tells you the laborers on his farm have stopped working because he can’t afford to pay them. He is worried the rainy season is ending and he won't be able to profit from it. This becomes a constant issue that comes up  in all the conversation  I mean it's  only been a month and week yet to you,  he seems be trying to load his life baggage into your suitcase.  

He likes to check on you every day. A whatsapp message. Life is a bit hectic, you are juggling a lot of things but you always reply with "I am good, and you?" On the other hand he always replies around lunch time with the words "I AM HUNGRY". That's all. You could be wrong but is he expecting you to buy lunch for him everyday?  One time he even casually jokes, "I told you I was hungry i expected you to send me some lunch." And you joke back and say, "You have not got into my close circles, I am still getting to know you..."

The subject of laborers on his farm keeps coming up. You have reached the two month mark. He claims he's not been paid for months. He tells you his father needs money to pay the teachers' salaries at their school, they didn't make enough money and the teachers went to leave. A week after, he texts you saying he is exhausted, he had to buy the seeds and plant them himself because his workers were tired of his promises. Then he says he would have asked you for the money but he didn't want to inconvenience you.

"Money for what?"  you whatsapp back. Then mentally count how long you have been dating and whether money lending is an option for him. 
"For the seeds and the laborers," he texts .
" So you want us to be business partners?" you reply, because by now you have calculated that you have only been talking to him for  2 months and 1 week so this must be a business venture, not couple one
" I have always  wanted someone I can plan and grow with. I wanted us to partner on this venture. I would enjoy us working together if you want. I wouldn't hesitate investing in your ideas too" He texts back

And you are left speechless because what exactly does that mean? You have heard countless stories  of women investing into their boyfriend's business ventures only to be kicked to the curb when he moves on. Plus Mr Man seems be unable to clarify if it is a loan, business venture or  a couple's investment. So you play dumb and side step this conversation

Five days pass, You’ve been busy with work, but now your parent is sick. So as a daughter you put family first, with your siblings you get too fixing visits, prescriptions, house shopping. Mr Man is feeling neglected. He even makes  sarcastic comments about how you drop everything when you parent calls. One night around 11.00pm you are exhausted lying in bed but you decided to pick up the phone. He says,

“Your family has you now, but when I come and take you away you’ll be mine. They shall feel bad, but its part of life . You have to get married” 

In that moment you realize you know him well enough to come to a good conclusion, this won't work. He misses the cue, he doesn't hear your sharp intake of breathe or the surprise in  your voice when you reply

God opens your heart to some wisdom as you kneel down to pray that night. After all this man is his child too.What he really means to say is “ I am lost.”

“ I have been lost since my last girlfriend left me, We built our lives around each other when she left, she left with our life. I have been lost since my mother died when I was just a boy. My father never really bothered to raise me, he was too young to be a man. That is why we are friends rather than father and son. I have been wondering around through this life trying be an adult but very very few people in my life have shown me how.  I am lost. I need an easy replacement for first girlfriend. She used to guide me, till she got fed up of me and left. I need a wife quickly. You are women. I know women have an innate ability to fix things. I can see that you are doing that for your family.... so Fix my s@#! Fix my s@#! clean it up , help me make to sense of my self . Put me first like my last girlfriend did ! Heal me! Make me feel strong. Make me feel useful.”
Anyway it slowly dawns on you that this man is looking for a savior. That is why he brought all his S@#! to you. If he had found you years ago you would have picked that mop, bucket, vacuum cleaner, disinfectant, apron etc.... and you would have helped clean up. You are good at that type of  cleaning, listening and supporting so you would have done it because you would have thought that is how he would fall in love with you. Everybody wants a companion, and partner, a spouse; there is nothing wrong with that. It's just irresponsible to bring your mess to the table, and expect someone you've only known for a couple of weeks to clean it up. How will you ever learn? You can ask for help. You can ask for advice but it's your  mess to clean. If you are a married couple then that is a totally different blog post, because then the rules have completely changed.

Well done Queen you took a step back thought it through. You got some good stern advice from family and friends. So thankful you decided NOT to run head down  into his mess. God  didn’t bring you this far for you to walk back. Mr Man is not a bad person. You are just not in place where you can take this on and come out sane.
But one last question, and this one is for Disney, in fairy tales who saves the man?

Stay blessed  girl! Until next time