It's been a while since I wrote to you on this blog, but this year I have been sending mental letters privately. As you know, December has never been that kind of month for me. I was struggling internally for the last couple of days to find a mere ounce of excitement about this season, I even bought a Christmas tree and decorations. Still I found no cheerfulness to brighten my mood. And as if I needed further confirmation of my internal gloom, I was reminded of an old blog post triggered by a Facebook reminder this last week. The post I made about the Bogeyman. Remember that one? Wow... it's such a sad sad post. I can't believe I shared it. But on some level I am glad I did because it's held me accountable for the last two years. I have stuck to the path that that choice led me on.
While planing out this letter, I remembered a poem I studied for O-level English literature. It is called 'Mending wall' by Robert Frost. I laugh when I recall the lack of depth to our class discussion with our English teacher Mr Walker on this particular poem. I mean what did we really know about life back them? Our lives were so sheltered. Every moment was planned out for us right until we reached University. At 14 years of age we simply didn't have enough life experience to bring credibility to our opinions, but Mr Walker calmly guided us along, helping us better understand the importance of the poem, helping us better relate to Mr Frost's powerful musings. I know Mr Walker would be entertained by the fact that I am actually referring to it in a blog post many years later, he knew even then that I didn't take naturally to interpreting poetry. Yet here we are years later, still somehow moved by this poem.
The first line of the poem rose up from my subconscious and dusted off it's cobwebs,
"Something there is that doesn't love a wall."
My biggest lesson over the last couple of years has been creating boundaries in my relationships. I am an introvert but truthfully I don't like being guarded. I don't like having to constantly remind myself that not ALL people can be trusted (growing pains of being an adult). The blog post was written during a serious moment of 'growth' and the shedding of some naivety. In short, a couple of years ago, a few individuals through their negative actions taught me quite a bit about myself and my interactions with others. You warned me many, many a time God. I didn't listen. I stubbornly learnt my lesson the hard way. Believe me when I say it is has been a TOUGH lesson to learn!
Since then I have been extremely careful about who I allow into my life and I have been extremely watchful about how people treat me as an indicator of which boundaries I should put up. I pay close attention to ACTIONS, which has altered a lot my friendships as well. Best friends had to become friends that I don't hang out with very often anymore. I have prayed and you have given me strength and wisdom. Even when I have questioned you, you have persistently taught me my value. On days when I have been low and discouraged you have reminded me who I am. You have been patient with me in your own way. Thank you. So here's to 2018! Cheers! Maybe I needed to acknowledge this dark cloud to finally see the sunrise behind it. Many thanks for the Season, because as my nieces like to remind me "Jesus is the reason for the season!" so I will try my best to be cheerful where I can. Looking forward to all we shall do in the new year.
(btw find me on twitter @mariajulietrose 😀)