God Said, " No, Please Don't Write From There.... "

I wanted to write from a sad dark twisted disrespectful place,

because it is easy for me.

Second nature.

But God said, "No, please don't write from there."

I had forgotten once again, 

 even though we (God & I) have  been on this self -love journey for a long while.

You see I was starting to believe two hurt fools.

 They keep projecting their sense of worthlessness onto me.

Drumming , Drumming & Drumming... 

I have this talent, I can mentally self-flagellate excellently. 

Most likely because I am a Catholic.

When someone starts to beat me down, I instinctively join them.

I help them choose the stick, the whip, the chains, the knife, the words. 

No questions asked.

No doubt in  my mind that I deserve to be taken down.

"It MUST be me," my mind with automatically say

"I must be the problem."

So I had the pen in my hand,

 and the paper, ready for the first draft.

I saved the title on Blogger in the Drafts' section

I didn't want to not write about this...

But God said to me 

"I told you NO!

Don't ...please don't  write from there."

Dating : 3 things I have come to reluctantly accept...

Number 1. 

I am scared ALL the time.

 Like all the time. 

Like every second. 

Like there is NO peace . 

Like  even when I am sleeping I am SCARED.  

It feels like a Game of Thrones episode in my body. 

What the h*** is going on inside of me?

No one prepared me properly for this. 

Number 2. 

I don't understand the language needed to navigate this world.

Why do people assume this stuff comes naturally?

I want to be stubborn & stop the whole process because I can't control it.

I am tongue-tied all the time.

Like ALL the time.

I re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

and re-think

everything!

 I delete messages, scold myself and start typing again.

It is a perpetual loop of digital doom.

But what baffles me is the amount of courage it requires for me to click 'SEND'...

Hours.

Yes hours not minutes. 

Hours of me talking myself into clicking send.

As if clicking will trigger world war three...

There are world leaders making crucial decisions at important global summits; 

decisions that will impact generations to come.

And I can't seem to send a mere "Hi, How are you?" message to my Intended.  

What demon is this!?!?

I am a grown women yet... 

I don't know how to say what I feel or ask for what I need. 

Number 3. 

This kind of fear

...It's exhausting... 

Jesus, Mary and Joseph pray for us.

Taking Stock : The Easter & Birthday season

Making:  Time to pray the rosary. I must confess the concentration span & dedication required to recite it is a deterrent to me, most especially when the mind is tired, preoccupied & weak.  Yet a surprising, but timely invitation from a colleague for a daily lunch time rosary dedication during the time of lent came. I have been hit by bouts of anxiety again. Certain people with consistent temper fits & mood swings are contributing to these negative spells , and this  quiet time amongst other fellow believers is a much needed daily retreat.  I had forgotten about the consistent cloak of peace that descends upon the troubled mind within the first five minutes of prayer .Some how I found myself praying for those causing me angst and seeing God work in their lives... 

Drinking: Everything in my new red glitter Starbucks cup, birthday gift from my big brother. Cue Pharrell' William's Happy Song

Reading: Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, I can't put this book down. By the way , she was born in 1993. Take a deep breath...yes take a deep breath. Drink some water. Now go and wonder what you were doing when you were 25 years...

Playing: I don't play mind games but it seems many people do.

Wishing: Strength & change. I need the strength to make some changes. 

Enjoying: Iz harris' You Tube Chanel.  If you like good authentic visual storytelling . Go watch her videos and thank me later. She is inspiring me daily to improve my skills. 

Writing: My muse has temporary avoidant attachment style, we can't seem to get ourselves together... but we will eventually..I am enjoying this break though. I am enjoying just reading for the sake of reading.

Loving: My Harry Potter bookmarks. Another birthday present from my big brother. The revived nine year old girl in me was thrilled to receive them...I  guess once you are a Harry Potter fan...then always a Harry Potter Fan! Even if I feel J.K Rowling is ruining her legacy with the Fantastic Beast Movie Series...it is just unnatural for her to have so many plot holes and hollow characters in a story.  I will still watch all of them though. 

Eating: red chicken thighs and spicy rice , guess from where?

Needing: A spa day, and thanks to my friend Kullein, I am booked for Easter Monday!

Wearing: All my lipsticks are actually getting finished...I am going on a lipstick shopping spree soon. My make up phase is not a phase anymore...
Also I  am really trying new hair this year. Thanks to my sister in law...2019 is all about bringing the fire!

Knowing: That I need to get comfortable speaking my mind and asking for what I want. 

Thinking:  Change. Can I manage change? Yet it all needs to happen. It is time.

Giggling Over: I may actually write about John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....That book is not a gimmick, it's game changing wisdom. I am giggling in surprise...

A Microscopic Ode To My Happily Flawed Blog......

It is just a teeny weeny weeny weeny part of the internet.

A promise made on an island to myself,

and now an anchor when I feel perturbed or misaligned.

I can always come back and wonder through this digital space.

In this current life,
I often silently fight with my millennial self,

just to fit in,

 just to get it right the first time round;

just to check all the correct boxes.

When I feel worsened by the battle,
 I  return to this cross road of a blog.

So that the writing and sharing can help me recall which direction I set my feet upon. 

I read only a few posts, cause it doesn't take long for comfort to find me.

A few deep breaths later,

I remember that these unnerving moments always come. 

That it is not unfamiliar.

I have already created a concrete formula and map to handle this.

To redirect even.

I always leave a spare key and clues here to help on the way out,
so I don't have to figure out all the answers to the present pressing mess at once

I don't have to fix it right now or sometimes even ever.

When I look back at the short amount of time this blog has been running,
forgive me but I am a teeny weeny weeny bit proud of myself!

(btw find me on twitter @mariajulietrose 😀)