I Refuse to Worry...

I refuse to worry.

Too much is coming at me all at once.

And I am tired of trying to do everything, all right, all the time.

At night , as the cliche goes, I lay in bed staring at my yellow ceiling, 

thinking about all that could wrong.

Sleepless in Kla.

For what?

Hasn't the worst happened?
Aren't Mum & Dad gone?

Dear Dad : We won't break...

Dear Dad, 

I was waiting for it to happen. 

When they took my keys and drove us  home from the hospital,

When we had the meeting around the table with Uncle Kizza, Andrew and Uncle Tony 

to discuss the funeral arrangements, 

When we picked out the coffin at Uganda Funeral Home the next morning, 

Or in the afternoon, after we took your dark navy suit to
A++ funeral mortuary at Mengo Hospital,

I was waiting..

Amongst  the blurriness of my tears, despite what everyone thought,
  I  was alert & waiting. 

When we finally arrived in the village the evening before the burial,

When I sat by you in your open coffin at 9 pm in Jajja's sitting room, 

 Even, the next day, when everyone was gone 

 and John, Paul and  I watched them smooth the concrete over your grave,

I stood by our Jajjas' and Sengas' resting place waiting,

I  remember that conversation we had in the hospital.

The many conversations we had at home.

You were always a master at reading & handling human beings. 

We knew that.

Your children  always knew it.

 We know how to live. 

We  have more than what Malcolm Gladwell calls 10,000 hours of practice.

How many hours is it... if you've  been practicing since childhood?

Anyways.... Stay well Dad
More updates for when i next write again...

photo credit: Unsplash

Dear Dad: In Loving Memory...

Dear Dad,

I was meant to write something profound,

 but you know how these things go, words have failed me.

Please excuse all grammatical errors I know how much those things annoy you.  

This is a blog so we don't take these things so seriously here. I write as I would speak it.

I just realized  I never showed  this space to you,

 but I know that you knew that I was always writing.

This is not the usual way we communicate, me and you,

yet I feel like I must write this,

not so sure how to go about it though...

I never mastered the courage to write to Mum;

never knew how best to start.

Once she was gone I realized just how much I needed you both.

So now you have passed,  I am prepared for the widening hole.

I didn't want you to go, but I have accepted because I want you to go peacefully.

Go peacefully with all our love, prayers and support. 

Your loving daughter,

Maria. 

photo credit: unsplash 

Life is Happening..

A word of advice. 

Please  don't take what I am about to say lightly, 

because this is real  gold and diamond encrusted wisdom that I am giving you for free. 

Here goes...

Read the next sentence carefully..

You NEVER fully recover from your first serious incident of burnout.

From that moment onwards you... yes you  are tainted. 

Tainted like the yellowish after effects of a bad liver infection.
I am talking about the kind of burnout that leaves you stuck in bed for days.
I am talking about the kind of burnout that leaves you  zombie-like
unable to enjoy a good book or your fave TV show .
I am talking about the type of burnout that induces vomit burning
deep at the back of your throat,
every time your phone pings with a new notification.

You are now polluted. 

You pushed yourself right off the edge and

 now you've got to learn how to live with this new body and mind of yours. 

Here's the thing though...

Life will do what it has always done.

Life will keep happening. 

Blessings will charmingly covort into your realm of reality 

Opportunities will shimmy in announced and unannounced

 but the impaired you is now cautious
Sometimes even suspicious of the universe's  timing.
Because just yesterday you were seated in hospital at 2 am,
worried,
deeply worried,
while you  were waiting  for your  Dad
 to complete his emergency treatment.

Ups and Downs come together and separately.
But now you have learnt something new about yourself
You cannot naively reach out to grab every good fortune or luck that comes your way.
You know the consequences of greed.

You know your limits.

You played the game for a while,
  and learnt you really don't need to have it all.  

Your mental boundaries are now a life vest . 

I mean what good is a gift if it will eventually drown you?

That's why I haven't been writing as much...

I am figuring out how to bloom

I am figuring out how to thrive 

I  have reached the 'much has been given' level
and I am learning the' wisdom' bit on the job

I walk around now asking God,  'How?"

"How do I manage this?"

"How do I leverage this?"

"How do I enjoy this?"

"How do I not forget this?"

"How do I live with this?"

"How do I take care of my self amongst all this?"

I am still gathering the answers 

And life is doing what God told it to do

Life is happening!

(Btw find me on Twitter @mariajulietrose )